Wedding Party
Dan Thaner
Best Dan
Like Ryan but with a better laugh. Lover of small dogs and large cuts of meat. As kids, he and Ryan caught all 150 Pokemon so move over, Venus and Serena, the Thaner brothers got skills.
Henry Smith
Hank of Honor
He's a lot, but we had to invite him. Please refrain from handing him another whiskey. It's unclear if the DJ will be able to play music loud enough to drown out his voice. Encourage him to keep his shirt on.
Sean McQuaide
Groomsman
He is most comfortable when sleeping on hardwood floors. Always gets the most tickets at Dave and Busters. Belongs in that playpen.
Alex Schultz
Bridesmaid
In middle school she had cornrows and was so cool that I was too scared to talk to her. We once threw a 10 foot Christmas tree named Felicia over a balcony. She aspires to own a Great Dane but she wants to name it something terrible.
Christie Crum
Groomswoman
Constantly makes weird animal noises despite being the smartest person in any room.
Clare Chamberlain
Bridesmaid
She's more or less my sister. We once got into a gnarly cat fight on the pool deck (and made up about 4 minutes later). She has magic story hair and will beat you at literally anything.
Michael Kress
Groomsman
Might be louder than Henry. Has better opinions than you. He made a career out of drinking lots of beer.
RJ Hayes
Bridesman
He's returning from teaching children in rural Mozambique just to come to this over-priced party. This guy is basically nicer than Jesus. His only sin is leaving a half eaten bowl of couscous on the Smith's third floor in 2008. Can slaughter a chicken.