Halie & Caleb
people in this thing
Angela Moro
Maid of Honor
Angela and Halie met freshman year doing Phi Mu things, but it wasn't until they had an interesting concert experience that they really bonded. Hoodie Allen got involved and it was a whole thing. They also lived together, which means that she kept Halie alive, which I appreciate. Q: If you had to use from the room that you're currently in as your zombie apocalypse weapon, what would it be? A: "My closest option to a weapon is an empty champagne bottle that I popped for graduation. I would def use that. Smash it over some crazy zombie's head."
Ross Earley
Best Man
I was forced to work with Ross on a theater project in seventh grade that ended in two surprising ways. One, I had to wear a bicycle helmet covered in tin foil. Second, I found my best man, best friend and partner in idiocy, all in one convenient, shockingly handsome package. Q: What movie title best explains your life currently? A: "The Importance of Being Earnest. This is the first time in my life that I believe being honest is more healthy than being perfect."
Kelsey LaMartina
Bridesmaid
Kelsey and Halie are childhood friends. Like, literal children. Like, before kindergarten childhood. Oh, what I would give to be around during Halie's Girl Scout days. I'd buy cookies from her. I've also heard rumors about some music videos they made together. I hope they make an appearance at the wedding. Q: If you had to wear one Halloween costume every day for the rest of your life, what would it be and why? A: "A grandma, because I'm a grandma on the inside. Also no one could ever say, 'Wow, you've aged.' I could say whatever I want, people are extra nice and open doors and let you cut in line. Plus, I'd be a cute grandma."
Davis Patrick
Groomsman
Davis has two first names, a big ole heart and a great answer to his question. He also has a smile that could melt the polar ice caps. Am I blaming climate change on Davis? No. Of course not. But I'm also not NOT blaming it on him. Q: If you had to replace your hands with something other than claws, what would you choose and why? A: "This sticky, elastic hands that you could fling around and stick to stuff. I think it would be cool to have hands that can extend, but it's a compromise because they aren't super reliable, so it's not just a definitive upgrade."
Abbie Tosch
Bridesmaid
Abbie and Halie met while working as camp counselors at Blackberry Farm. Now, I know what you're thinking, and no, they don't actually grow blackberries there. I was disappointed as well. They bonded over taking immense pride in winning games against elementary schoolers. They saw Shawn Mendes at some point too, and I'm lucky Halie is still interested in me after that. He is a hot man. Q: What is your favorite weird food combination? A: "I guess I have some options even though they aren't weird but delicious. Peanut butter sandwich dipped in chili. Piece of pancake, sausage, and cheese on a fork dipped in syrup. Grilled cheese with pickles."
Cole Moog
Groomsman
Having lived with Cole for three years, I can confirm that he is, in fact, God's gift to women. His wife, specifically. Don't get any ideas. Q: If you could shoot one condiment out of your fingertips, what would it be? A: "Easy. Pesto. It's the most underrated condiment out there. You can use it in pasta, put it on chicken, even a burger. it has so many uses and tastes good on almost anything." I'll be honest, I wasn't expecting this. I appreciate the unconventionality. Pesto away, my friend.
Hannah Heise
Bridesmaid
Halie and Hannah met in high school twirlin' flags on the color guard team. They also fought over a VIP seat in Mr. Pang's physics class junior year. Also, more importantly, Hannah is a literal Disney princess. Like, works at Disney World. Not as a princess. But still. Q: If you could eliminate one inanimate object from existence what would it be and why? A: "Anything I could stub my toe on." So, here's the thing with this answer. You could stub your toe on pretty much anything. Imagine a world where there was nothing to stub your toe on. This world is either a) made entirely of pillows or other squishy substances, or b) completely flat with nothing on top of said flat surface. Well, on second thought, I have stubbed my toe on flat surfaces before. Just ignore me.
Austin Mann
Groomsman
Austin's answer is so thorough that I can't write anything quippy, but this tells you everything you need to know. Q: How many 2nd graders do you think you could reasonable fight off before being overwhelmed? A: "It's dependent on the flow and my equipment. If it's a swarm and I only have my hands, I think I could knock out 20. Now, if I could create some sort of chokepoint, where I could limit them to one or two at a time, I think that number goes up to 50. If I had any weaponry, or even a moderately-sized blunt object, that number goes up another 50. I think another issue is the softness of most 2nd graders. They're bouncy, which may increase their resilience when thrown or punched. It's hard to say, but if it came down to protecting Caleb, I would fight those lil twerps to the end."
Kellee Conquest
Bridesmaid
Kellee and Halie also met at the Blackberry Farm that has no blackberries. They also do kickboxing together. That's right, my future wife could, without a doubt, beat the crap out of me. I'm into it. Q: If you could morph two animals into one, which two would you combine and why? A: "I would have to say a dog and a polar bear. One, it would have a playful nature like a dog and I can play with it and keep them as a pet. Two, It'd be able to adapt to a variety of climates and have better chances of survival. Three, it'd be super cute." Remind me to ask Kellee what she would name this majestic creature. I'm intrigued.
Matt Marrs
Groomsman
Matt's friendship is out of this world. Ha! Get it? Because Marrs? I'm funny. Q: What are your unnecessarily detailed thoughts on garden gnomes? A: "Let's talk about something dear to my heart. This item has brought a bit of joy into all of our lives. Garden gnomes are a constant companion to those with a green thumb, but they're also a source of whimsy for all that encounter them. Whether you find them unnerving or adorable, culture has been influenced by these red-capped creatures. They've been immersed in pop culture as garden and household ornaments since the 18th century. Some believe them to have magical powers to ward away evil. There is no doubt that gnomes have affected every one of us in a positive way and brought a little more magic into our gardens."
Caleb Eissler
Officiant
Fellow Caleb, former small group leader, current friend. Each of us are the reason we have to go by our last names. Worth it.
Devin Pyla
Usher
Brother of the bride. Roy main in Super Smash Bros. I only know that because he graciously entertains me when the bride is too busy to hang out with me.
Courtney Bishop
Attendant
Sister of the groom. An elite greeter who will make you feel more welcome at this wedding than you've ever felt at anything else in your entire life, including your own home.
Kooper Klein
Attendant
Cousin of the bride. Will make you smile the minute you see him and won't let you stop. Likes zerbits. Official stud, unofficial photographer.