Wedding Party

Jessica Nelms

Bride

Robert Clark

Groom

Melissa Greer

Maid of Honor

Working at a secure lab in Bethel Valley Tennessee, Nuclear Chemist Melissa Greer was wrapping up after a long day of bombarding uranium with thermal neutrons to produce the very scarce Promethium-147. Just before exiting the lab, she noticed an eerie faint green glow coming from under one of the work stations. Peeking under the table, Melissa found Jessica with an empty beaker in hand and glowing traces on her chin and shirt. Before she could explain that was not in fact a spicy margarita or even ask Jessica how she got in here, Melissa had an idea. She was years, if not decades away from approval for a quantitive human trial so this was a wonderful opportunity. So far, the only effects noted are a consistent inability to tell time and a strange love of green peas. However, those traits may have been present in Jessica long before ingesting the nuclear material. More research is needed.

Lee Whitehead

Best Man

After discovering and dabbling in Zen Buddhism around the mid 13th century, at the height of the Kamakura period in Japan, Rob sought further self-improvement along the banks of the Hakata Bay. It was there that he met Lee Whitehead, who begrudgingly taught Rob the secrets of the Samurai. Together they defended the city of Fukuoka against the invading Mongol Army. After that, Lee figured Rob was cool enough to stay friends with even if he wasn’t that great at being a samurai.

Ryan Kelly

Bridesman

Setting sail out of New Bedford, on his 3rd solo sailing mission around the globe, Ryan saw a peculiar sight off the port bow of his vessel one morning. Tangled in a cast net and a crab basket, Jessica was aimlessly floating out in the Atlantic. Ryan pulled her to safety and after ensuring she was okay, explained to her how fishing actually works. They still hang out on the water and drops some lines from time to time, although Jessica is not allowed near the nets.

Lizzy Clark

Groomswoman

In early September 1914, Rob set off to enjoy a leisurely afternoon picnic along a river bank to the east of Paris. Sadly, before Rob could even set down his basket, he found himself in the midst of flying bullets and mortar shells. Highly Decorated Armor Crewman Lizzy Clark ( no relation) spotted what she thought was a wounded animal hiding under a checkered blanket on the battlefield and sprung to action. Braving enemy fire, Lizzy leapt from her tank and rescued the shivering bundle that turned out to be Rob. They’ve stuck together ever since as Rob is constantly getting trapped in blankets and needs Lizzy to rescue him.

Ashlee Warwick

Bridesmaid

During her time as part of a counter theft and espionage unit, Ashlee was working undercover at the National Archives Museum. Security alerted Ashlee and her team to a possible theft as they had received a tamper alarm in the Rotunda for the Charters Of Freedom. Ashlee swiftly moved to the upper level to apprehend the culprit. There she found Jessica, who was awkwardly trying to pry open an artifact case with a chopstick. As it turned out, Jessica had spilled wasabi on her shirt and was trying to find something to clean up with. Ashlee diffused the situation by explaining to Jessica that case is not a napkin dispenser. They still love to grab sushi together and do other activities aside from going to museums as Jessica has a life-time ban.

Matthew Barbieri

Groomsman

While vacationing in Abilene, Kansas, Rob found himself sitting at a rickety poker table in a dusty saloon surrounded by trail-hardened cowboys. Rob angered the men when he repeatedly yelled out “Go Fish!” Sitting nearby and not one to watch an innocent man be beaten down, Matt Barbieri selflessly intervened. He distracted the bandits by playing a jaunty tune on the saloon’s piano, allowing Rob to slip out the back door and escape. They remain friends to this day as Rob still owe’s Matt a life-debt.

Brianna Robinson

Bridesmaid

While shooting a documentary on large cats in Central Africa, world renowned film-maker Brianna Robinson, encountered Jessica, who appeared to be the captive of a small Azande tribe. Bri, having already established a kinship with the Azande through her filming, approached and asked for Jessica to be spared. The Azande gladly obliged, stating Jessica had climbed into their tribal stew pot and began eating the root vegetables within. They had actually been asking her to leave for hours to no avail. Bri and Jessica bonded that day over their mutual love of soup and misunderstandings.

Chris Clark

Groomsman

It was a balmy summer morning in late June 1987 on Merritt Island when veteran astronaut Chris Clark (no relation) was suiting up for a mission. After receiving the all clear from ground crews, lift-off was initiated and in a short time, Chris and his crew breached into Earth’s thermosphere. Warning alarms soon triggered, indicating an off-set weight from the documented payload of scientific equipment aboard. Ever the explorer, Chris went to see what the issue was and found Rob in the cargo bay, tangled in a small checkered blanket. After spending 7 days, 1 hour, 9 minutes, 31 seconds and traveling 2,900,000 miles together, Chris and Rob discovered they actually had a lot in common.

Shelby Greer

Bridesmaid

World famous cryptozoologist Shelby Greer-Mothman was performing overnight surveillance in the Southern Cascades. Local reports had indicated this area was a hotbed of cryptid activity and she was going to document it. After her trail cameras alerted her to activity, Shelby moved out into the brush, camera in hand to capture proof of Big Foot. What she found however, was Jessica with frizzy hair (forgot to blow dry) stomping through the underbrush. Although not technically a Sasquatch, Shelby elected to stick around with Jessica as her mannerism and behaviors were equally as curious as any cryptid.

Pete Uhl

Groomsman

While working in Black Rock, Nevada on the ThrustSSC jet car, RAF pilot Pete Uhl and his team were getting ready to break the land-speed record. During a test run for diagnostics, Pete had to make an abrupt stop when something stumbled into his path. There, skipping around the dessert flats was Rob, with what looked to be a small shovel and sluice box. After ushering him safely off the raceway, Pete explained to Rob that no gold had successfully been mined in that area since 1870 but if Rob behaved, he could watch the ThrustSSC speed trial and then have some ice-cream.

Rodney Jones

Officiant

In 1946, Navy Commander Rodney Jones set out aboard his vessel the USS Norton Sound to participate in Operation Nanook in Qaanaaq, Greenland. One afternoon, a local Inuit tribe approached Commander Jones and asked for help, as they had cornered a creature unlike any they had ever scene. The creature had been harassing the local narwhal population, picking fights with walrus’, upsetting their fishing grounds, and the tribe was at a loss for how to handle this situation. Commander Jones, being the fearless leader he is, took on the task and set off with the tribe to deal with the creature. What he found was no ordinary creature, rather it was Rob AND Jessica, tangled together in a small checkered blanket. Seeing as they were both just cold, hangry, and overall harmless, Commander Jones assured the gentle Inuit that he would take the ‘creature’ under his charge. Since that day, Commander Jones continues to spend a good portion of his time keeping both Rob and Jessica out of trouble…especially when checkered blankets and protected wildlife are nearby.