Wedding Party
Kelli
Bride
Kelli (a.k.a Cal Ripken to those of you who know her perfect attendance streak) is a refugee from Small Town, USA. When not calling her family every free, breathing second of the day, she’s dragging James to somewhat sketchy - but always satisfying - places Uptown. Kelli is excited to walk down the aisle to her handsome groom in 2020. But she’s not eclipsed by James’s pretty face. The bride is more impressed with the groom’s comedy routines, and looks forward to hearing impressions of his grandpa’s old tenant into eternity.
James
Groom
Standing at 6'3, here comes the groom. While having already accomplished many great things in life, James considers locking up Kelli as his greatest. You'll often find him referencing quotes from Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, or Anchorman without any prior warning. If you don't get the reference, you're probably not one of his groomsmen. And according to him, "this is the year the Jets finally turn it around" (we've heard this one before). Let's just get this man to the alter with his beautiful bride, who hopefully still wants to marry him, despite her being totally out of his league.
Olivia Brandolino
Matron of Honor
Don’t let her Italian name fool you...Ancestry.com says she’s anything but! However, Olivia is an IBM (Italian by Marriage) like her big sis will soon be. She’s also the owner of a snarly-and-sassy deaf dog, Peanut. Good thing Olivia knows sign language. When Olivia’s not keeping kids in shape as an SLP, she’s diving deep in reality TV. The bride and her little sis have many a memory binging trash shows a la MTV and VH1. Kelli is beyond excited to have Olivia as her Matron of Honor.
Ryan McWilliams
Best Man
As the slightly less good looking blonde version of the groom, Ryan McWilliams stands an inch taller and spends his days throwing dodgeballs at the youths of America as a Phys Ed teacher. His hobbies include pickup basketball, napping, laughing so hard he slaps the floor, and smooching his Black Labrador Retriever, Tyson. Becoming James's Best Man is his greatest achievement to date. But in all seriousness, Ryan is a caring brother and humble role model for many who look up to him. James is honored to have him as Best Man.
Becky Fan
Maid of Honor
Keeks...Kiki...Rebecca (when the matter is serious) Becky is the bride’s good friend from NYC and is a self-identified “cackling hen.” Somewhere in Manhattan, Kiki is probably buying a PSL, watching a Yankee game (with her season pass) or dancing the night away on Dykman street. Becky is fiercely loyal, always encouraging and 10/10 sees the bride’s face more per week than her fiancé. While that may change soon, Kelli is thrilled to have this flamingo-loving lady stand next to her on the alter.
Robert McWilliams
Best Man
Many have mistaken this less muscular version of James as the groom himself. But Robert McWilliams is not in fact getting married just yet. You'll find the youngest of the three McWilliams brothers hooping on the college basketball courts of this great country. Robert still believes he can one day outmatch his brother James in a wrestling match, but this is clearly folly. Rob is as trustworthy and caring as they come and has already shown he is a great leader to many. Say hello to the other Best Man.
Nicole Szaler
Bridesmaid
Cousin, friend, Britney Spears impersonator? Who’s to say? But this #boymom has been through it all with the bride. Including many forced, denim family photos. [shivers] When she’s not trying to embarrass Kelli directly, Nicole is encouraging Kelli to embarrass herself. And it works. Watch out - she may try to put you in a homemade music video.
Danny McWilliams
Groomsman
As the only McWilliams on this list below 6 feet tall, Danny makes up for it in intelligence and deep pockets (we hope). Once one of the most feared left-handed pitchers in the Hudson Valley, Danny retired the baseball cleats for long hours in NYC balancing debits and credits for large corporations. He is also a lifelong suffering Jets fan and will certainly crack open a beer with the boys and have some good laughs. Danny is a loyal man and family means everything to him. James is thrilled to have him stand with him on the big day.
Allison Mazzetti
Bridesmaid
Even though she’s a Mazzetti now, she’ll always be “Batesy” to the bride. Allison and the bride long relish in their “let’s go to a pub and make friends with strangers” days. But now that they’re both betrothed, they annoy their other halves with work talk and reminiscing about college. Batesy is a trusted pal and an uptown neighbor...and she’ll make you something on her 3D printer if you’re nice.
Andrew Festa
Groomsman
Easily the most interesting gentleman in this group of mighty men, Festa's backstory will have you on your feet applauding, while at the same time wondering, "what was this kid thinking?" From a Civil Engineering degree to making his country, family, and friends proud as member of the US Military, Festa is one heck of a kid. Don't be surprised if he challengers the toughest guy at the wedding to an arm wrestling competition, followed by shots of bourbon and stories of his time on the chicken farm. He will make every effort to get to know someone he will never see again on way too deep of a level. James met Andrew while turning double plays on the little league baseball diamond over 15 years ago. Festa is truly one of a kind and the groom knew he would be by his side on this day years ago.
Alex Salavitch
Bridesmaid
Fierce, competitive and “bold” (a signature Alex word), this lady was Kelli’s TKC volleyball co-captain and roommate, when she randomly got a watermelon tatted on her bicep. Full of spunk, you’ve never heard a car playlist until you’ve heard Snax on the beats. Alex is a gem and will be running all of American Express one day. Or owning her restaurant empire. Hail Queen Salavitch!
Tyler Troyer
Groomsman
No one deserves the title of Decepticon Transformer better than Tyler Troyer. When Tyler met James, Tyler was wearing dri-fit Nike clothing, a baseball cap, and had a clean shaven face. He said things like, "Dude, this girl...." And he played D1 college baseball. This man no longer exists. If you look for him at the wedding, you won't find him. Instead, look for a bearded man wearing circular hipster glasses, plenty of denim, and pants so tight, there's no way a man could fit his legs in there. Do you even lift? Heralded as one of the "7 bearded wonders of the world," greet him with a heavenly kiss. Unless his wife is nearby. Then don't. James stood by Tyler on his wedding day and now Tyler will do the same.
Laurel Van Hooser
Bridesmaid
Laurel is definitely the Charolette York of the group (if you know, you know). A newly-married woman, Mrs. Van Hooser has cultured the bride on all things opera, American politics and Russian history. She lived with Kelli for 7 years, and the bride apologizes for her weird pickled eating habits. Kelli is the last of the apartment to leave the lease for marriage. Walking in the footsteps of giants. Or in Laurel’s case...toy-sized ponies.
Joe Lustig
Groomsman
Voted "Best Dad" by his peers before he even had a girlfriend, let alone a son, Joe Lustig exemplifies the Art of Manliness. From a thick beard to a 1920s mustache, Joe has transformed quite a bit since his early college days wearing backwards hats and exclusively white tees. Perhaps this transformation can be attributed somewhat to the groom, who first showed Joe how to lift a barbell (sort of), but let's be real, we can attribute most of this manly man change to his wife. He won't be dancing during Lil Jon music, but play some Sinatra and he and his wife will cut a rug so hard, they'll have to replace the floors. James stood by Joe on his wedding day, and now Joe will do the same.
Kari Byrne
Bridesmaid
We bonded over public school, it was history from there. Kari is a kindred soul of the bride and shares her affinity for flaming hot Cheetos, Will and Grace and bathroom humor. Something Kelli has yet to share with James. Kari is new momma to Nora “Toots” Byrne and would get my vote for most beautiful eyes. Green as a San Diego succulent.
Cody Ingle
Groomsman
Often referred to as the buck-tooth hick in the group, Cody is just that (kidding). But he is from the dirty south! The only time Cody ever danced well was when he tried to imitate the groom. Not bad kid. He'll talk your ear off about fantasy football and will be tired by 7pm because he wakes up at 3am for work #crazyperson. Cody is loyal and will get your back, but after neglecting the both the basketball gym and the gym gym for some time now, does it really matter if he has your back in a street fight? You'll find this Tar Heel fan requesting the song Danza Kuduro, just to see the groom's ecstatic reaction.
Jessica Lee
Bridesmaid
All rise for Judge Jessica! Jessica can navigate West Virginia legislation and find anyone you’ve ever passed on the sidewalk online. It’s not stalking, it’s research. But she’s also good for a little culture. She helped Kelli compile an “Intro to the Hood” playlist for James early in their dating relationship. I think it worked? Either way, Jessica likes everything in her life with a little soul and a lot of sparkle.
Jared Shover
Groomsman
The only white man who the groom has seen posterize a small village of lesser basketball players, Jared Shover can get air. One time at a party, Jared and James both put on Bane (Batman villain) masks and had a back and forth exchange in front of the party for nearly 15 minutes. Many said they should start their own comedy show (okay maybe not many). But these guys can entertain when they're together. Look at that smile ladies....Too bad he's taken and now with child (this man is a dad!) Expect the dance floor to request a break when Jared is present.
Marilyn Novy
Bridesmaid
Marilyn is the bride’s oldest friend. Pals since kindy-garden. But Kelli doesn’t know how they stayed friends, considering how much Marilyn likes board games. But she’s goofy, creative and gives the best hugs. And as I’m writing this, I’m craving Geo’s pizza...do think your mom will order us any? Extra garlic sauce, peeeeeeeeese.
Neil O'Donnell
Groomsman
As the brother of the bride, Neil O'Donnell rightfully explained to the groom he was being watched carefully by the family. Kelli is precious after all. But Neil and James have already enjoyed good times together with many more to come. When Neil is not making other men look like fools on the college basketball court, he is the life of the party and a loyal friend. As the groom types this, he is pumped Neil will now be family.