What To Expect At A Jewish Wedding

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Shmorg (AKA Cocktail Hour)

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The wedding starts with the "shmorg," originating from the word smorgasbord. This will be a spread of food and drink where guests mingle, chat, and eat. This is basically the cocktail hour, but Jewish wedding veterans will tell you this is where to find the best food. THE TISCH Around 3:15, Ian will be in a nearby room with guests at his own reception. The “chatan's tisch,” or “groom’s table,” is kind of like a high-spirited singing party. You sit around, eat, and generally make merry. At the tisch, two preselected guests will sign the ketubah, or the marriage contract. While the tisch is traditionally for men, everyone is more than welcome to participate in the fun or stop by to extend good wishes to Ian and other family members. Mingle as you wish! BREAKING THE PLATE At the tisch, some families break a plate. This is to symbolize the perpetuity of marriage. Just as a broken plate cannot be made whole again, so too a marriage is a binding and irreversible commitment. This is often done by the mothers of the bride and groom, who pass on their role as builders of the home to the new couple. So when you see Ian and Dena’s mothers smashing a plate against a table or with a hammer, it’s not the beginning of a fight—in fact, it’s just the opposite! KABBALAT PANIM Also around 3:15, Dena will enter the main shmorg room with her mother and Ian’s mother. She will go and sit on a small platform, with some extra seats for family and the wedding party. People who are mingling at the shmorg will line up to say hello and congratulate Dena. At the shmorg, feel free to hang out, eat, tell Dena “Mazal Tov!”

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BADEKIN

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Badeken is Yiddish for “covering.” This tradition, often considered the emotional climax of the wedding, harkens back 3,000 years to the wedding of the patriarch Jacob and his first wife, Leah (see Genesis 19 if you’re curious). At around 3:45 music will start playing, and Ian, flanked by the dads, will walk from the tisch to where Dena is sitting. They will be heralded by a crowd of friends and family coming from the tisch singing. To avoid getting trampled by the incoming processional, guests will move to the side to make a pathway for Ian and his friends as they enter the room and approach Dena. There is a traditional song (Od Yishama) played during the Badeken when Ian will enter the room, paraphrasing Jeremiah 33:10: "Od Yishama be-arey Yehudah, u-bechutzot yerushalayim, kol sasson ve-kol simcha, kol chatan ve-kol kallah" Translation: Yet again there shall be heard in the cities of Judah, and in the streets of Jerusalem. The voice of joy and the voice of gladness, the voice of the groom and the voice of the bride. Ian will approach Dena and put her veil on. The parents will then give Dena a bracha, a blessing. This is usually a touching part of the wedding and there may be crying in addition to the high singing energy. After this, Ian will be danced out, maybe put on the shoulders of one of his friends or family (we don’t have any idea where this tradition originated, but it seems to happen at every Orthodox wedding these days) as they dance him out of the room.

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The Ceremony

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CHUPPAH The wedding ceremony will take place underneath the chuppah, or wedding canopy. Many people say the chuppah represents the home the bride and groom will build together after they marry, and it creates a beautiful space for the marriage ceremony to take place. The chuppah is both open and closed; although everyone can see the bride and groom, the canopy creates a sacred space where the couple experiences this special moment together. Seating at this ceremony will not be gendered – sit wherever you like, aside from the first few rows reserved for immediate family. KIDDUSHIN (THE BETROTHAL) Upon reaching the chuppah, Ian will put on a traditional white robe (a “kittel”) worn to represent purity and is worn for special Jewish events. Once Dena reaches the chuppah, she will circle the groom seven times to symbolize the creation of their own private world within the outer world. This is followed by the ceremonial ring exchange, the reading of the Ketubah (a marriage contract in Aramaic), and the Sheva Brachot (seven blessings each said by a different person). Many Jewish people choose to cover their heads for this ceremony. If you’d like to join in the custom, there will be “kippot” (also known as yarmulkes, signifying G-d's presence) for you to wear and take home as a memento – this is not required. Rabbi Ely Schestack will be the “Mesader Kedushin”, officiant of the wedding. He will explain the flow of the chuppah process and provide contextual explanations. One blessing, recited over wine, is the official blessing that deems Ian and Dena married—you may hear a “mazal tov!” and think it’s premature, but actually it comes long before the part everyone knows from the movies…

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Breaking the Glass

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The marriage ceremony will end with a song in Hebrew "Im Eshkachech Yerushalayim," which translates to "If I forget you, Jerusalem" (Psalms 137:5). This verse, as well as the one from Jeremiah we sang earlier, both reference the former glory of Jerusalem when the First Temple still stood (it was destroyed in 586 BCE). We think of those times as representative of an ideal we seek to return to, and absent this, we acknowledge that our joy is inherently diminished. Jewish weddings reference Israel and Jerusalem a lot. These texts are thousands of years old, and that the Jewish people have used the idealized imagery of Jerusalem and the Land of Israel as reference points for peace, joy, and happiness. These images feel especially poignant to some people in the crowd at this moment in history. Ian breaks the glass during this song, which is a final symbol of mourning for the destruction of the Temple. We’ll wait for the song to be over, and then… everyone celebrates! There will be joyous shouting “Mazal Tov!”, singing (Od Yishama…AGAIN), and dancing at the end of the marriage ceremony, and guests will dance the couple all the way to the “Yichud” Room, or Seclusion Room, where Dena and Ian spend a few quiet moments together to celebrate just between the two of them while everyone else goes to the ballroom…it’s almost time to party!

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The Reception: Let's party!

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HORA DANCING The first set of dancing will begin when Ian and Dena enter the ballroom for the first time as husband and wife. There will be Hebrew/Jewish music with classic circle dancing (known as the hora) but make no mistake - this dancing will go hard. Some examples of songs and dancing can be found here. You do not need to know the words to any of the songs to fully participate! Throughout this portion, everyone is welcome to take some time to dance with us in the middle of the circle. This first set and part of the second set of dancing will be divided by gender, out of respect to those who are more stringent in their observance of Jewish law. We will have a portion of mixed hora dancing, but please keep in mind that some of our more religious guests will not participate in the mixed circle—please don’t be offended if someone of the opposite sex declines to hold your hand. SHTICK Toward the end of the hora dancing, we will quickly break into a "shtick” section. Guests take turns performing silly dances, referencing inside jokes and family history, and wearing all sorts of random paraphernalia and holding up mementos and signs relevant to Ian and Dena. If you have things like old school uniforms, sports team shirts, or other assorted shtick, feel free to bring it! (Some people may even wear a full-body costume, bring their baseball gloves/balls, or bicycles). Everyone gets a turn to go if they want to, but beware – it gets a little competitive, and you might need to nudge your way to dance for the groom and bride. BIRKAT HAMAZON Upon the conclusion of dancing and dessert, we recite Birkat Hamazon, grace after the meal. At the end of Birkat Hamazon, the Sheva Brachot (7 blessings) will be given to the bride and groom by different guests. These Sheva Brachot are the same as the ones given under the chuppah. And with that, please reach out to us if you have any questions ahead of the big day! We cannot wait to see you all very soon. Love, Ian and Dena