[Marriage is] consenting adults trying to figure out how to do life, together --Aubrey Penney

There once was a man. A man who hated clichés and the status quo. A man that cared not for ever doing things the way everyone else did them. This man would be appalled to learn his story started with the same tired trope that countless stories before it also used, but alas, there once was a man. Now how to tell his story? Should it be a fairytale involving magic doors that led to magic creatures in a magic land that magic magic magic? Is it a great adventure tale of a heroic journey that someday would involve a motion picture including Leo fighting a bear? Is it a teen romcom containing a coming of age story about friends, life, and the general arrogance about figuring out life that humans seem to most feel when they are young and inexperienced? Do we include explosions, fast cars, helicopters, and a variety of other exciting and budget sucking visuals to provide obstacles for the man to overcome on his journey? But before any of that, we must remember that while there once was a man, he is not the only person in this story.

There also once was a woman… You might have guessed this already by other story suggestions, and now we open the door to many more styles of storytelling. Is there a mystical event that brings two people together that previously would have never crossed paths? Is there a dimly lit room full of smoke and whiskey and a detective ready to embark on another tale of noire where the detective must save the damsel in distress? No. Quite simply. For one, there certainly is no damsel in distress. She never required saving. She’s been handling her business since long before the man came around thank you very much. For two, it’s 2018. Smoking is bad and we have better lighting. We don’t need magic to amplify this story. It can provide the magic itself. Let’s be honest, a bear needs to be involved in some fashion, but we are unsure of the other bits on the adventure side. The woman and man are not super young and have life totally figured out in a non-arrogant way unlike those dumb kids. Explosions are expensive and generally unnecessary, although a helicopter would be really cool. The truth is this story is all of those things and none of those things. To them, it is unlike any other story told because it is theirs. But we shall appease the needs of the rest of the characters that filter in and out of the story…

There once was a man. He was traveling simultaneously on the back of a flying dog thing dragon, in a turbocharged, nitrous filled Honda, and in a bus with his high school and college buddies and Tom Green for some reason. He had heard a hot tip on mysterious happenstances in the area. At the very same time a woman was actually potentially drinking whiskey while wearing a fancy hat. She carried a magic iWand and was in no danger of being kidnapped though she expected it at any moment. Neither of them expected what happened next. Lightning flashed from the sky. Not just the sky, but from outer space itself. A magical device called a Sah-tee-lyte connected the two people in an alternate world called Onlineapp. Was this the beginning? It wasn’t a time traveling letter? She wasn’t having a bad day when he suddenly served her the perfect espresso latte coffee that he gave her for free because she forgot her credit card and was soaking wet from an unexpected rain because she also forgot her umbrella and then he smiled at her with a twinkle in his eye that said he could see what a beautiful person she was underneath the wet mess of that day and it was meant to be forever? He didn’t first notice her bending over something because that view is how men expect an interesting female character to be introduced instead of in any way that promoted ANYTHING else about her? No. In fact, in Onlineapp, he couldn’t even see her face. Though, the entire concept is pretty magical when considering everything involved in creating the connection including technology, timing, and distance.

Anyway, our heroes were able to interact. While this magical portal had opened for various other people that they had communicated with earlier, this time it felt a little different. There was a buzz. There was excitement. Men in dark suits with sunglasses and earpieces which absolutely is not inconspicuous at all these days yet continues to be portrayed this way were gathering. Scientists were getting readings they didn’t understand despite all of their experience, education, and resources. It clearly was going to take a local restaurant manager to figure this out. The world was anticipating what would happen next in this previously completely not mentioned or insinuated scenario of a doomsday science story. The heroes talked and talked. They joked and got to know each other more. Soon it was time to meet face to face. They joked about all the weird things they were going to do when they first met. Little did the woman know the man actually was going to take her on a completely weird and untraditional adventure. And so it happened. Then it happened again. She made the speech to win the case and motivate the class and rally the troops to victory. He exposed the corruption and defused the bomb and learned the alien language. They grew and loved and laughed and drove a lot and cuddled for the amount of times that are possible because this is real life and nobody perfectly sleeps in that position all night in comfort.

They moved in together. The house was totally haunted, but no one managed to die. They watched knights kind of battle in a really bad script, but that did really happen so there was a fairytale aspect so HA! They saw many traveling minstrel bands, and some even had the kind of instruments you’d picture traveling minstrels to have. They visited friends in faraway lands. They made friends in even farther away lands. They visited and made and went with friends to even farther away lands. They saw love blossom around them. We must point out that most of all there was love and laughter. Those were the keys to it all. There were countless adventures that actually could be counted because numbers are really big. Everything felt magical or like a movie. It all felt like any kind of story that had been told while carving out its own niche. It could be counted, but it felt countless. The plot devices were unnecessary. The magic was in them, and they didn’t care if anyone else could see it.

And I could go on and on with more tales of adventure. Tales of goblins and spies and Greek Gods and children eating poison berries and stories inside of stories for a full inception that would leave you far more confused than this consistent use of intentional run on sentencing. There is not enough time right now, and by good science, you are still reading this far and need to reach another key point in the tale. All that was said before this was written and given to The Woman unexpectedly despite expecting it. She entered this story and returned from it to say "yes." There were cheers and happy people and a most happy man and later on somehow almost an equally happy waiter. The penultimate official status had been reached. What comes next?

And so he began another passage with "and so." But here we almost are (depending on when you see this). The state title game approaches. Two have simply walked into Mordor with only a few examples of proper triple jump form. Sam Waterston clears his throat. The armies are lined up. The barricade is built. The smoke monster approaches. Ten paces. Now is where you come in. We need the supporting characters. Grab your tickets. Join and stand with us. Set the textbook pick for the hero to have an open shot because someone needs to shout out textbook picks in a story, damn it! Practice your war cry. Point your pistol to the sky (don't bring pistols to our wedding). Take your seat in the jury, my peer. This is by no means the end of the story. There will be sequels, miniseries, reboots, spin offs, rereboots, remakes, writer's notes, and more seasons. I am not sure that all of those actually fit what I'm talking about, but I assure you I mean everything with the same starring characters. These seasons will never get stale because the story will always change. Join us for this chapter, friends! We promise it will not be like any other.

Seriously? You're confused? This whole thing was a story about Carissa and me meeting and eventually getting married. Some of you have no imaginations. I hate having to spell it out. How did you even get to our wedding website? Just be there.