Welcome To The Honeybun Social Club

Like all great modern love stories, our story starts on Tinder. She was enamored by the numerous puppies photoshopped into my pictures. I was captivated by her beauty & her unique & clever bio: a set of reviews from Vogue, People, etc. I messaged first “5/5 profile, would swipe again” and immediately threw my phone off the balcony. We talked for a few days. Surely, she had dozens of suitors offering typical experiences like dinner and drinks. I had purchased 2 tickets to Brother’s Osborne hoping I’d find someone to go with. It seemed like fun, but I was worried it might be too much for a first date. Luckily for me, Susie has little regard for her safety & immediately sent me her address. I entered the address & blindly followed my phone to the location. As I approached what was described to me as “an apartment,” I looked up to see an old white house with an alarming number of cars in the yard. “Does she sell used cars? Did I make a mistake? Did she give me the wrong address?” I frantically looked through our messages. The address was right. This was Google’s fault. I was going to be late. I looked up to the sky to curse Alphabet Inc. & every one of their god forsaken subsidiaries & as I did, saw the apartment. I pulled up to Susie’s on time despite Google’s interference. I was nervous, but calm. I knew she was smart, witty, & easy to talk to, but also gorgeous. This could be a problem. She’s distractingly attractive & I’m like a crow, easily distracted by shiny objects. As she walked toward my car, my fears materialized. She was even prettier than her pictures. “I’m in trouble” I mumbled. She got in and we set off for DC. I had sworn off Google Maps for the rest of my life a few short minutes ago & had an unknown navigation system to contend with. In the passenger seat sat a beautiful sunflower that demanded the attention of the sun & everything around her. I did my best to look her in the eyes as often as I could, but they were like whirlpools determined to suck me in & pull our ship aground (or worse, into the highway median). They were getting stronger, sending waves of water crashing into the windshield… wait, no it was raining. Another distraction to deal with. A little bit more trouble. As we approached, I realized I had failed to research the parking situation & we had to park a half mile from The Anthem. I was counting the strikes in my head. I hadn’t checked the weather, we were without an umbrella, & now we had to walk in the chilling rain. Not good. Wet and freezing, we finally found shelter at the Anthem. We approached security & I performed my ritual of patting each one of my 13 pockets 2-3 times to find my phone. Unfortunately, I noticed that I didn’t sense something very important. Keys. I have a terrible habit of leaving my keys in the car, but what if I dropped them on the way? I told Susie that my keys were missing & probably in my car, but I needed to retrace my steps to see if I dropped them. I didn’t want her to walk in the cold rain, so I offered for her to stay while I went on my search & rescue mission. I was not, despite what she was feeling in the moment, attempting to ditch her & go back to my car & head home. She kindly offered (demanded?) to go, so I gave her my jacket & we left the safety of our shelter. “Aren’t you cold? You can have your coat back!” I had never been colder in my entire life. The wind was whipping through my t-shirt & the February rain was drawing every bit of warmth out of me. “Nah, it’s not that bad” We eventually found my keys right where I always leave them, in the car. The rest of the night went off without a hitch. We danced & sang the night away & kissed to “Love the Lonely Out of You.” I took her back home, walked her to the door & wished her goodnight. We were texting before I even got back to my car, wishing the night wasn’t over. Back in the car, Brother’s Osborne continued to play, & the title read, “A little bit Trouble.” A fitting soundtrack to the night.