Wedding Party
Ali
Bride
A choates resident at heart, often gets mistaken for Olivia from Otter Dynasty. In the words of her groom to be, she seems super nice but she’s actually a raging asshole.
Jack
Groom
He has a big mouth but a bigger heart. Known for shitty tank tops, recycled dance moves and wearing glasses indoors. Some would describe him as smart, funny, and the life of the party, but they would be lying. Find him shotgunning a beer alone in the basement or staring at himself in the mirror.
Roger
Father of the Bride
Ventriloquist, officiant, psychic medium, brother of beta alpha omega, member of the Sphinx, ex husband, Dartmouth ‘03 + 21
Pitbull
Roger’s Best Friend
Undeniably obsessed with Roger. Claims he is a “singer-songwriter” but that is just his way of saying that he is unemployed.
Gannon
Ali’s Ex
Alison's scorned ex-lover. He is sultry, passionate, and "loves too hard". Vegas lines are -$300 on him attempting to sabotage the wedding and abscond with the bride. He’s back for more.
Chloe
Rogers Ex-Wife
Only there to see her deadbeat ex-husband.
Emma
Bridesmaid
She knows what she’s doing in the bedroom. And it definitely does not involve the groom.
Ben
Groomsman
Met the groom at a RadioShack in downtown Boston. They both reached for the same pair of headphones and, for a brief second, their hands touched. Jack looked into Ben’s gaze, and Ben looked into Jack’s, and Ben felt… seen. Jack knew Ben’s hunger, he knew Ben. They still remember the passionate nights spent in Berlin, oh god, what they did to each other… So happy for the couple on their big day!
Taylor
Bridesmaid
Southern bell but not southern. Ready to throw hands with anyone who gets in the way of her catching Ali's bouquet. In love with Roger but DO NOT tell his ex-wife😘
Noah
Groomsman
Fist-fought Roger for the right to officiate, lost, and is now biding his time for revenge.
Karis
Bridesmaid
In charge of risk at the wedding; not mitigating it, providing it.
Sammy
Hooker
Childhood friend who turned weird but you kind of have to invite them.
Tristan
Bridesmaid
Slow news sloth. Rider of one wheel. Resident of Sig Nu's pool room.
Katie
Flower Girl
Hired as a stripper but also filling in for the flower girl who came down with the gout. I wonder if an outfit change will be in the cards or if the flowers will just be another part of her performance.
Jack (2)
Best Man
The groom’s more athletic, better looking stunt double. Rumor has it they are identical twins, separated at birth. Does anyone know why he smells so bad?
Stephanie
Baller
Allegedly a distant cousin of both the bride and groom but nobody has ever seen her before. Claims to be the wedding photographer but no one hired her? How the hell did she know about this wedding.
Jack (3)
Uncle of the Groom
Somehow he is related to everyone and no one at the same time?
Kirsten
Bridesmaid
Secretly got a tramp stamp inked by PH '77 of Ali last Friday night. Was hoping to wear assless chaps to the wedding is getting cold feet.
Rowan
Ring Bearer
She has her eyes on one of the groomsmen. Bet you won't guess who.
Gray
Bridesmaid
A fiend for pong, her vape, and a pulled pork sammy. Easily gets lost but somehow always gets home.
Tristan (2)
Page Boy
Not allowed within a hundred feet of the groom. Don’t talk to him about the benevolent troll.