Wedding Party
Jake Holm
Best Man
Many people assume Chris and Jake are gay. Maybe it's Chris's booty shorts, or maybe it's Jake "forgetting to bring his OWN hammock," or maybe it's their unified love of Katy Perry and techno remixes of Bryan Adams' "Heaven" -- jury's out, and we're not worried about it. The truth of the matter is, Jake has been Chris's ride-or-die partner in, at this point, what could only be considered a "spree" of bunkum buffoonery, rogue hedonism and debauched libertinage. Living together in the Grand Canyon, partying in Tulum, living a summer with fire-breathing swingers and driving a short bus, canoeing 13 miles with no map, rock climbing near every day for 3 years, Spartan Races, MANY creek baths, cliff jumping, Olympic lifting competitions, driving tractors, shooting soviet era sniper rifles... in general: putting in the work to travel to whatever random place each other are in the country to make fun memories. Just a coupla dudes, guys, bros, lads, fellas, whatever, not gonna overthink it.
Brother Nate
Groomsman
Chris's Big Bro and The Elder-Nate! After peaking early in his high-school madrigal performances, Nate fell into several decades of doldrums. He regained his stride when he set the regional record for fastest time to mow a 6ft x 6ft lawn in 2017 and, spurred on by the success, gained a near-Icarus level of public recognition with his few remaining (and SHOCKED) diehard fans when he finally won the 2022 Annual Foosball Cup (a local, non-league event). No other major milestones of note since...
Denver Nate
Groomsman
Proud inventor of the cold sweet potato and black bean sandwich, Nate and his beloved Jeep Roxanne facilitated the 2019 Florida Panhandle Summer of Pirate Degeneracy. But it didn't end with jet skis, Coast Guard busts, beach chairs and size 5 circle hooks through the finger - they went on to ski-bum through CO mountain towns as event security for EDM raves with Handsome Rob! Massively into astrology, Nate describes himself as a "classic, hard-headed Scorpio."
Big Nate
Groomsman
Chris's longest friendship of the list! Big Nate met Chris while he was cowering behind plane wreckage, refusing to shoot or even move during his first ever paintball match. Nate coached him into a perfect experience and, to this day, paintball is still their favorite shared pass-time! In this vein, Chris has rear ended Nate's sprinkler system, sent his brand new bass lures into the trees, followed the wrong car in a caravan, ruined Nate's entire career of Mario Kart ... and countless other "Little Brother" type goofs. Still - even after Chris spent nearly a decade travelling off the grid - Nate shows up EVERY. SINGLE. TIME there is fun to be had or someone in Chris's family needs help and a hug. I love you bro.
Handsome Rob
Groomsman
A truly compassionate motivator, Rob would burst through the door, univited, to Chris' apartment (Rob's garage) and bang a pan and yell "wakey wakey m****r f****r!!!" - and then peer-pressure him through THE most DASTARDLY wicked workouts all the way up through The Ole' Pan-D. Flash forward and he still ties Chris up in knots with 3 hours at a time of Jiu Jitsu immediately post-15 hour drive to Utah, every time he visits to hunt pheasant. An ex said it right: "I never trusted Rob!"
...
Groomsman
I first met him atop a mountain near Jerusalem, praying to God, asking His forgiveness for the frolfer blood spilt by his disc. Next, he amazed me still further in Siam, when he saved a vagabond, dying of thirst, from the would-be ravishings of the pricey craft beer trade. In Greece, he spent a year in silence just to better understand the sound of a budgerigar's lachrymose call. So, without further gilding the lily, I give to you Seeker of Serenity AND the enForcer of Fêtes and Festivals...Isaaaaaiiiiiaaaahh THOMMMMPSSOONNNNNN!!!!!
Banjo Dan
Groomsman
Dan doesn't do push-ups, he does earth-downs. After coaching Chris to (near) victory at his first powerlifting meet, the two became immediate buddies and he has been single-handedly feeding, clothing, educating and housing his homeless prodigy ever since. Although he is a master fly fisherman AND an even better master baiter, despite his name, Dan unfortunately lacks ANY musical ability and spends most of his time drinking Earl Gray tea, listening to Coldplay and trying to practice his kazoo.
Kyle
Groomsman
While Chris was gallavanting across the country doing RANDOM "side-quests-as-a-main-quest" Kyle was disciplined in his pursuit of a lifelong goal - to fly in the U.S. Navy. After acing officer training, Kyle worked and trained in San Diego flying helicpters and, in his entirety, being a complete and absolute badass. All along the way, Chris and Kyle stayed close - even through long deployment and/or Antarctic trip comms blackouts. The ONLY of Chris's remaining highschool friends, these two are hoping to spend more time together again in this next chapter. The amount of GUT BUSTING laughs and silly antics and dumb adolescent lessons learned together - you will forever be my bro man!
Ron Bond
Officiant
Chris met Ron while he was leading a Spin Class at "The Old Y" (RIP). From that moment on, they became workout-partners-in-crime, careening toward one of life's only true meaningful goals - geting jacked, tan and shredded. After one late night pump, they kicked around in the parking lot shooting the breeze and talking about Chris's big dilemma: should he pursue the new sexy red-haired intern? ; ) Ron said YES, and added with a laugh "that he would officiate the wedding." Ha! Funny! Gotta love the undying confidence of a good bro. Well...fast forward 5 years and I called in the favor! Time to walk the walk Ron!