Reflecting far back, I’ve recognized that for many years between my middle school and high school days I had an unhealthy fixation of relationships and love. I would constantly imagine the future, which included unending predictions of how I would meet the person I'd spend my life with. Whether this be because I was obsessed with books about dramatic teen relationships, or because I had not completely witnessed a selflessly driven relationship just yet... Either way it led me to the dangerous spot of constantly having my own expectations floating around my head- limiting what God wanted to do. Because of this deeply rooted and distorting desire, I searched for those feelings in all of the most depreciating and self harming ways. As far as I understood, my worth was related to what I had to offer and my interpretation of real love was incredibly false. This way of thinking took me down many painful paths where I was burning others and being burned myself. The wounds were gaping, and couldn't get the chance to heal. As I was coming out of that time, I was thankfully introduced to the true definition of my worth in Jesus and was able to see that relationships and the desire for human love had been sitting comfortably in the spot where God, my Creator should have been. He showed me how deteriorating my perspective of myself was. He then called me to singleness for two years (which, that’s not a very long time..) but it was the longest I hadn’t had the chance to idolize a human. I would pray each day for God to ease my impatient heart and that I would not be in a relationship until it was with the one I would marry. Anyway, here is the way in which Isaiah Slemons entered my life before I even met him!

It was an afternoon in Phoenix, and I was babysitting a little boy. We were sitting outside playing as I begin to feel the familiar loneliness. The little boy pointed to the sky to show me an airplane he spotted, and after finding it myself, I seemed to be stuck looking up to where I knew to be the home of my Father who had supposedly known the desires of my heart. I thought He was aware of my need to be loved, held, and valued by a man but it didn’t seem that way. I looked down and met gazes with a small yellow butterfly as it fluttered across the yard. I thought it might be a sweet sign from God, maybe a reminder that He was with me. In my wondering AND wandering, I prayed that I would see a second butterfly fluttering with it as an expression of God’s promise that He would bring me someone at some point in time. I felt pretty silly and pitiful praying this, and yet I stole gazes outside once me and the little boy had migrated into the house. After I left to come back to GCU, I still kept my eyes peeled to hopefully see two yellow butterflies flying together. I pulled in to the dirt lot on campus, and as I’m walking in from my car I see something. There’s a butterfly. It is in fact, yellow. But it’s crushed and plastered to the asphalt.. I immediately thought God was telling me to lose my dreams of having a husband. Maybe that he would die? That I would die? I was truly reading into this as such a negative and scary response to my so thought innocent prayer. After much thought with some friends, I came to see that God only brings peace and comfort, not death or anxiousness. One of my friends mentioned that if God wanted to tell me that I wasn’t meant to be married, He would have told me in a way that would bring peace. I was comforted, but still confused.

A few months later I was working at Sky Ranch Horn Creek in Colorado and we were a few weeks in. I had begun to feel that same deep desire to be loved, and what I thought to be a sense of emptiness. I was reading the book Isaiah in the Bible, and that morning I was on chapter 30. The first few verses read: “Ah, stubborn children," declares the Lord, "who carry out a plan, but not mine, and who make an alliance, but not of my Spirit, that they may add sin to sin; 2 who set out to go down to Egypt, without asking for my direction,” I was instantly punched with conviction after reading the whole chapter. Again my “need” to feel loved by another human was more important to me that remembering the unending truths of God’s steadfast love for me. This day was such a turning point. I was thankful. For God’s love, for His gentle redirection. I wrote a long prayer in my journal as I was sniffling up on that grassy hillside. I was looking down at the tiny wildflowers as I seeeee another butterfly... This one is many colors, just peacefully sitting beside me. I knew Jesus was reminding me that I couldn't assume that everything I wanted and expected would be given straight to me because that would assume that I knew what was best for my own self. This intricate and colorful butterfly was a promise that God Himself was enough for me. I finally had come to the understanding that He would not give me anyone until I dove deep into love with Him first.

I meet my guy.

In usual fashion I was scrambling around trying to do a million things at once while I prepared for the mandatory leadership meeting for student leaders at GCU. I was stepping out of the shower when my friend Alejandro called and said that he and some other friends were going to make a quick Dutch (coffee) run before the meeting and invited me along. Already rushed I decided to go. Being that I never drink anything but water I wasn't planning on drinking anything but thought why not to a quick caffeine boost. (On an empty stomach) We rushed back to the campus... late for the meeting. We arrived to a packed gym with no seats, almost 800 people had packed in the bleachers. My friends and I elected to sit on the floor because of the lack of seats. As I began to unwrap my delicious (FREE) subway another of my friends, Alex, sat next to me eating away. After about 5 minutes of sitting and saying hello to everyone, Alex pushed her phone into my hands and said "Here, my friend wants you to start the wave". I was met on the other end of the line with the girl saying "Hey... so I'm up here (as she waved through the crowd) and my friends and I are trying to start the wave." My immediate response was "That's not gonna happen". After this short interaction, whether it was the foreign caffeine in my system, exhaustion or just plain craziness, I got up and told my friend Alex to let this girl know I would start the wave. I ran up and down the court getting everyone to do the wave. On the way back down the court I locked eyes with this girl and to my utter shock she was blowing kisses at me! Looking like a fool jumping and catching them still encouraging these students to do the wave I returned to my place on the gym floor. I returned and told Alex "Now you have to get me that girls number so I can take her to dinner." Deadpan Alex turned to me and said "Isaiah, wait are you serious, that's my best friend and she is single!"

First date! We went to Pho. It was amazing and adventurous. It’s also important to mention my anxiety leading up to the date and after.. I would come home and most definitely hyperventilate and cry my eyes out in response to immense fear and worry that I would fall for this kid without God wanting this for me. Or! Worse, that it was what God wanted, but that I would end up broken in the end. I truly was a mess... shoutout to my friends who watched me sprawled out on that white corner couch in the roadrunner apartments that night I nearly passed out from crying so hard... oh my.

I got the date! For two days leading up to this wonderful day all I heard from dozens of people was how sweet and special Marissa was. Everyone who found out I was taking her on a date told me that she was the sweetest girl, and that she LOVED the Lord. What a banger combo. That night she waltzed into the dorm I was living in at the time looking like an angel that was sent by the Lord himself. The sun was behind her, and she looked beautiful. We headed out and I took her on a super classy date to the Pho King Kitchen (Real classy, I know). We laughed and shared out stories of how Jesus found us and saved us, we talked about the sadness and the burden for lost people we feel, and we celebrated the meal and fun friendship. After the Pho we went and got a slice of cheesecake and started to open up more and more! How creepy! I don't even know this girl!! The night ended on top of one of the garages at the university we were both attending. I swore up and down that as soon as we got up there campus police would come and tell us to leave, she didn't believe me... we got told to leave. As I walked her back to her apartment I told her my parents were visiting in two weekends and I would love for her to meet them (yes, I was thinking meet my parents on the first date.) Little did we know, that by the time she would meet my parents, more would have transpired.

I had been on the Streetlight ministry team with GCU, and that night we held an event for all the girls which included a fiesta in the roadrunner quad. We danced and ate tacos, and as soon as we were wrapping up I get a text from the crazy guy who did the wave in front of 300 people for me. He asked if he could come help tear down and showed up in no time. Eventually we bring the leftover food to my apartment and I make him some tacos to thank him for his help. As he’s eating I start to do the dishes from the event. He stops me and asks if I would let him do them once he’s done eating.... Automatically I said “uh no, haha.” He kept insisting... so did I. Finally he said, “Okay okay. Is it because you truly believe that you can wash those dishes better than I can? If that’s the case you can wash them. But it could be that you don’t know how to let someone serve you. If that’s the case, I’m taking care of them ma'm.” And that was that, I sat on the couch with him as he ate and then watched him with melty eyes as he washed all the dishes in the sink. 🙂

Isaiah had come over this night and I was asking him what the Lord had been teaching him recently. He listed off many things, and among them he said, “Jesus has really helped me in my fight against a pornography addiction. It’s almost been 4 months.” So.. To this I said... help JESUS. I knew so deep in my heart that I should be celebrating alongside him and thankful that he would bring this struggle into the light, but my heart was telling me to get the heck outta there and run. My past experiences had left me thinking that I was never quite enough. That there would always be someone more desirable, more beautiful. I had experienced the earth shattering emotions of seeing that a committed faithfulness to me came second to the excitement of what someone else could offer.

When he said those words it was like I could see all the pain that had chased me from the past, and I just knew that if I continued and this turned into a relationship, he would find more satisfaction in another person because I wouldn’t be just what he wanted. As these things flooded my head, my body and mouth were still and I didn’t make a sound. Isaiah sensed this and said, “Okay, I can see that you’re not letting the Holy Spirit give you peace and that you’re listening to outside fear and doubt. God doesn’t bring those things, but we know who does. So, let’s start listening to the Holy Spirit instead. It’s a still small voice, above the noise.” He asked me to close my eyes to listen first to his prayer and then to the silence that could open the door for God to speak to my anxiousness. As soon as Isaiah said amen, I heard, “He will not hurt you.” As I continued to close my eyes I hear something again, “This is it, this is the one that I have for you.” I opened my eyes in a noticeable way I guess.. because Isaiah said, “Oh! You heard something, I saw your face change! What’d you hear?” And to this I had a slight heart attack and knew I must be psychotic, or maybe ill.. I kept checking to see if I had just heard someone else talking? Not sure. After some thought I realized I had never heard God speak so clearly to me before this. I thought, “Okaaaay! Bout to creep this guy out beyond his wildest dreams!” I said, “Well... I think this is... it.” He knew precisely what I was talking about and nodded his head with tears in his eyes. He told me that it was no news to him, since a few days before he had heard Jesus say that He was going to make Isaiah into the man he needed to be in order to be my husband. Those chairs outside of the Roadrunner apartments became our own clouds.. far away from everyone and everything as we laughed and cried with the most emotions we’ve ever felt.

I’m not sure if many know this, but Isaiah was born with a very rare genetic skin disease called Epidermolysis Bulosa. Long story short, the disease manifested not only on his outer skin, but on his internal organs as well. Because of this, he was left with a wrecked excretory system. His bladder and kidneys were damaged the most, which eventually led to stage 3 chronic kidney disease. I bring this up because one day as Isaiah and I were FaceTiming while I was in San Jose and he in Salt Lake for the summer, and I had asked him more in depth what his disease entailed. He mentioned a website that broke everything down really simply. As we were on the phone, I type in the website and the first thing I see is this.. http://www.debra.org I tell him I need to go, and continue to watch the video on the site.. I'm in absolute shock as I watch this yellow butterfly circle around this poor little boy. At first I assumed it was just a sweet little coincidence until I read this in one of the tabs: “Those born with Epidermolysis Bullosa are often called ‘Butterfly Children’ because as the analogy goes, their skin is as fragile as the wings of a butterfly.” I was stunned. This was my Father hearing my heart. He gently and joyfully handed me my yellow butterfly, the one who was always supposed to be with me.

Isaiah was visiting San Jose and we were looking at all my journals above my bed. I happened to open the journal I had used during my time at camp. I told him I remembered writing an important prayer and about the time I spent sitting up on that grassy hill. I then read my prayer and saw these words: “God I pray that could see what you see in me and why you love me. I’m sorry for putting human love, that longing for another person before you. I want to truly move on from the past. All my sins when I was dead. I’m alive now, new in you. This life is yours Jesus, you’re the one who gave it to me. I understand why you’ve led me to Isaiah.” Now of course, I was referencing the book in the Bible and how it had taught me so much about the love God has for us children even when they don’t want Him. Little did I know I was also thanking God for the incredible man I would meet a year later who would teach me that true love sent from God is not based off of what I’m able to give another person. Mine and Isaiah’s relationship is so different than anything I have experienced or imagined. It is incredibly tough at times, and we've struggled hard during this season, but it’s been beautiful to see how God is bringing forth to completion the work He began in us. We balance each other in the most obscure ways as the weaknesses in one of us is found as a great strength in the other. We're helping one another shape each other into the people that our Father intended us to be. The deep desire to be loved from years ago was always this. This simple longing to be shaped and grown as I help my other half become shaped and grown himself. I cannot believe this story. It can't be mine, and I know I don't deserve it along with the man I get to live my life with. It's heavy to realize God would choose to give this gift to a whining, impatient daughter. But He did.. He loves me so much more than Isaiah ever will, and that's the way it should be in this love that is not just our own.