David was still haunted by the war waged against an army of cursed robot snakes, living in an abandoned Chase Bank on a diet of Mcgrddles, ranch, and purple drink. Alyssa, supreme leader of the new world or, as they now called her, "Taylor Swift's actual real BFF". They met when Alyssa caught David breaking into a Del Taco and consuming fifty-seven Del Beef Burritos. She took pity upon him. "Follow me," she said. In a movie montage -- accompanied by the song "Something There" from Beauty & the Beast -- their relationship grew. They formed a 90s cover band, Darson Caly and the TRLs. And without saying a word to the other, they fell in love. After returning from several months away doing her duties as Taylor Swift's actual real BFF, she sought David to confess her feelings for him. Upon reaching the renovated CVS where he stayed, she found a note safety-pinned to his Wranglers. Alyssa, I'm afraid I have not been honest. I am cursed. This evening I will transmogrify into an eternal beast with skin made of gravel and teeth of razors. The only cure is a love akin to that of Chrissy Teigen and John Legend. I believe I found that with you -- at least, in my own heart -- but I'm out of time. Please do not search for me. I will straight up murder you if you find me. I love you truly, eternally. Yours, David Alyssa held the note for a long time before grabbing her laser, declaring, "Not today, Satan." Throughout the darkened woods she followed David's scent of cheap beer and sadness until she found him, metamorphosed, eating a wolf. Without delay, she furiously ran at him. They fought for hours, each bloody and wounded to the bone. In a final effort, Alyssa grabbed David's beastly neck and looked into his black eyes. "You're my John Legend, you dink," she shouted. David rose into a bright light far above the ground, regained human form. They embraced and disclosed their love. David revealed a diamond ring he had stolen from a demon hawk and proposed right then.