Wedding Party
Andrew Brian Shelley
Groom
Tall. Not so dark. Quite handsome. He may not be a smart man, but he knows what love is. 10/10 would recommend.
Lindsey Katherine Bowden
Bride
Cusses like a sailor but despises boats. Is completely oblivious to being vertically challenged. Maintains quite the obsession with animals, sudoku, Star Wars, and S’mores. Has a high propensity of memory loss.
Sydney Alexis Shelley
Best Woman
First of her name. House of Shelley. No relation to House of Targaryen. Lady of ‘Our Place’ home of the daily special. She is literally her father but without a mustache.
Jason Lonergan
Best Man
Fort Hood, 1995. It was a dark and gloomy place. Army helicopters brought them together. Law enforcement broke them apart. They are like Velcro, loud and annoying in quiet places, but very confident with their grip on one another.
Lucia Sorynn
Bridesmaid
“Skibidi Ohio Level 10 Gyatt Sigma Kai Cenat Rizzlful Nonchalant 6’2 Dreadhead.” Answers to Lou and Mammy Pajamy. World record holder for youngest Cat Lady.
Evelyn Sean
Bridesmaid
Nicknamed The Rat. Intake of cheese surpasses recommended daily allowance. Has survived on solely Dr Pepper, mac and cheese, and peanut butter cups. Collects taxidermy but shows no sign of sociopathic tendencies.
Seth Spaun
Officiant
Rode the short bus yet surpassed all expectations on progress reports. Utilizes marching band techniques for daily workout routine. Weirdly obsessed with other men’s beards. Quite possibly an immortal vampire Viking in disguise. Looks like he bites, but rarely does.