What to Expect at a Jewish Wedding

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Shmorg, Kabbalat Panim, and Tisch (AKA cocktail hour, and then some)

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The wedding starts with the "shmorg," originating from the word smorgasbord, which has now taken on its own Jewish twist. This will be a spread of food and drink where guests mingle, chat, and eat. This is essentially the cocktail hour, but Jewish wedding veterans will tell you this is where to find the best food. About 20 minutes or so into the shmorg, Aliza will enter into the room, flanked by her mother, grandmother, Scott’s mother, and her bridesmaids. Aliza will sit on a small platform, with some extra seats for family and the wedding party. People who are mingling at the shmorg will line up to say hello and congratulate Aliza. To be clear - nothing about the shmorg is gendered, so no matter who you are, feel free to hang out, come say hi and “Mazal Tov” to Aliza, and take a picture with her, and definitely don’t forget to eat! At around the same time as the shmorg, Scott will be in a nearby room with guests at his own reception. The “chatan's tisch,” or “groom’s table” in Yiddish, is kind of like a singing party. You sit around, eat, drink, and generally make merry. Everyone is more than welcome to participate in the fun or stop by to extend good wishes to Scott and other family members. Mingle as you wish! The chatan's tisch is also where to find the good whiskey, so keep that in mind. At some point during the tisch, some documents will be signed and Aliza and Scott’s mothers will break a plate together to signify the permanence of the union (there are varying interpretations of what this actually means, but the most common one is that just as a broken plate cannot be made whole again, so too a marriage is a binding and irreversible commitment). This tradition is less well-known than the breaking of the glass at the ceremony, but a fun one too!

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Badeken

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Next up is the Badeken – Yiddish for “covering.” This tradition harkens back 3,000 years to the wedding of the patriarch Jacob and his first wife, Leah ( Genesis 19 if you’re curious). Around 45 minutes after the start of the shmorg, the band will start playing and Scott, flanked by the dads, will walk from the tisch room to where Aliza is sitting. They will be heralded by friends and family coming from the tisch room singing loudly, so watch out! To avoid getting trampled by the incoming processional, guests will move to the side to make a pathway for Scott and his friends as they enter the room and approach Aliza. There is a traditional song (Od Yishama) played during the Badeken when Scott enters the room, paraphrasing Jeremiah 33:10: "Od Yishama be-arey Yehudah, u-bechutzot yerushalayim, kol sasson ve-kol simcha, kol chatan ve-kol kallah" Translation: Yet again there shall be heard in the cities of Judah, and in the streets of Jerusalem. The voice of joy and the voice of gladness, the voice of the groom and the voice of the bride. (This song will be heard a lot throughout the day, so some may find it helpful to memorize the last two words in Hebrew [“kol kallah”] so they can scream it with everyone!) Scott will approach Aliza and put her veil over her face (after confirming her identity, just in case!). Aliza will then put a white garment called a kittel on Scott. This is a traditional white robe worn for special Jewish events. The parents will then give Aliza a bracha (a blessing). This is usually a touching part of the wedding and there may be crying. Examples of similar badekens can be found below. After this, Scott will likely be put on the shoulders of one of his friends or family (we don’t have any idea where this tradition originated, but it seems to happen at every Orthodox wedding) as they dance him out of the room. Everyone will then head to the ceremony (outside, weather permitting!) and take a seat, because it’s time for the ceremony to start!

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Chuppah (AKA the Marriage Ceremony)

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The wedding ceremony will take place underneath the chuppah, or wedding canopy. Many people say the chuppah represents the home the bride and groom will build together after they marry. The chuppah is both open and closed: although everyone can see the bride and groom, it creates a sacred space where the couple experiences this special moment together. This is especially meaningful to us as we look forward to building our life together along with all of you, whom we love and consider central to our lives. Seating at this ceremony will not be gendered – sit wherever you like, aside from the first few rows reserved for immediate family. After the wedding party, families, and the groom and bride walk down the aisle, the ceremony will begin. The ceremony has several elements: the circling of the bride around the groom seven times (you can keep count in your head), the ceremonial ring exchange, the reading and signing of the Ketubah (a marriage contract in Aramaic), and the Sheva Brachot (seven blessings) each said by a different person. Some Jewish people may choose to cover their head for this ceremony, and if you’d like to join in that, there will be “kippot” (AKA yarmulkes, AKA skullcaps) for you to wear and take home as a momento, but this is absolutely not required. We will also have people giving contextual explanations during the wedding, so you won’t need to have this website open on your phone during the whole ceremony.

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Conclusion of the Chuppah

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The marriage ceremony will end with a song in Hebrew "Im Eshkachech Yerushalayim," which translates to "If I forget you, Jerusalem" (Psalms 137:5). This verse, as well as the one from Jeremiah we sang earlier, both reference the former glory of Jerusalem when the First Temple still stood (it was destroyed in 586 BCE). We think of those times as representative of an ideal we seek to return to, and absent this, we acknowledge that our joy is inherently diminished. As you may have noticed, Jewish weddings reference Israel and Jerusalem a lot. It's important to remember that these texts are thousands of years old, and that the Jewish people have used the idealized imagery of Jerusalem and the Land of Israel as reference points for peace, joy, and happiness. Scott breaks the glass at the end of this song, which is a symbol of commemoration for the destruction of the Temple. We’ll wait for the song to be over, and then… everyone celebrates! There will be joyous shouting of “Mazal Tov!”, singing, and dancing at the end of the marriage ceremony, and guests will dance the couple all the way to the “Yichud” room, or Seclusion Room. As the singing continues, there may be some banging on the door of the room at this portion, but it’s all in good fun! Aliza and Scott will spend a few quiet moments together in this room to celebrate just between the two of them while everyone else goes to the ballroom. Two friends who will serve as “shomrim” or “guards” will keep watch to make sure Scott and Aliza can have their private moments together.

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Reception (AKA DANCE PARTY)

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After all this, the wedding reception begins. There will be more food and lots of dancing, but you can start by just finding your seat and eating your appetizer. The first set of dancing will begin shortly after the conclusion of the ceremony, and everyone will cheer when Aliza and Scott enter the ballroom for the first time as husband and wife. There will be contemporary Hebrew/Jewish music with classic circle dancing (known as the hora) but make no mistake - this dancing will go hard. Expect a lot of jumping, singing, and sweating (the circle dancing pros know to leave their jackets at the table before coming to the dance floor!). Some examples of songs and dancing can be found below. Even if you’ve never done this type of circle dancing before, it’s easy, and you do not need to know the words to any of the songs to fully participate! Throughout this portion, everyone is welcome and encouraged to take some time to dance with each of us in the middle of the circle. It is likely that this first set and part of the second set of dancing will be divided by gender, out of respect to those who are more stringent in their observance of Jewish law, although we encourage people to go wherever they are most comfortable. We will have a portion of mixed hora dancing, but please keep in mind that some of our more religious guests will not participate in the mixed circle—please don’t be offended if someone may decline to hold your hand.

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Even More Food and Dancing

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Once the first dance set is over, people will return to their seats for the main course. During the meal, various speeches will take place. After you eat, the second dance set will commence. However, it will quickly break into a "shtick” section. Aliza and Scott will sit facing the guests, who will take turns performing silly dances, referencing inside jokes and family history, and wearing all sorts of random paraphernalia and holding up mementos and signs relevant to Aliza and Scott. If you have things like old school uniforms, sports team shirts, political posters, or other assorted shtick, feel free to bring it! (Some people may even wear a full-body costume, bring their baseball gloves/balls, or stilts). Everyone gets a turn to go, but beware – it gets a little competitive, and you might need to nudge your way to dance for the groom and bride. At some point, the music will switch from Jewish to more contemporary pop or dance songs, and we’ll keep the party going! Upon the conclusion of dancing and dessert, we recite Birkat Hamazon, grace after the meal. At the end of Birkat Hamazon, the Sheva Brachot (7 blessings) will be given again to the bride and groom by different guests. These Sheva Brachot are the same as the ones given under the chuppah. And with that, please reach out to us if you have any questions ahead of the big day! We cannot wait to see you all very soon. Love, Aliza and Scott

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Useful (and Fun!) Videos and Explainers

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Here are some videos and songs where you can get a better look at some of the traditions we'll be incorporating and learn some of the songs you'll hear throughout the day: Od Yishama (A traditional wedding song everyone sings on repeat): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=piDsoVDEIok An example of a Badeken: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XxzIRz1C9XM An explainer of the Seven Blessings (Sheva Brachot): https://www.myjewishlearning.com/article/the-sheva-berakhot/ Im Eshkachech Yerushalayim (sung at the end of the ceremony): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aC8wpy7h4Gg&list=RDaC8wpy7h4Gg&start_radio=1 Traditional Jewish Wedding Dancing Songs: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PWnYHc6FSQg Several examples of schtick: 1) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gwOyQ9BNHY 2) https://www.youtube.com/shorts/MWVJ_726D7I