Wedding Party

Paul McDonald

Groom

The dumb dumb

Amanda Solimene

Bride

The Dumb dumbette

Eric Tuminello

Best Man

Eric, aka E-Train, aka Ric Rock, aka Riško, aka Richard, has known Paul for nearly 20 years. Their fated encounter occurred when both attended Crossroads South middle school. As a founding member of their group, “The Three Muskos Plus One” (3+1), Eric has served as an important role model for Paulthalomew J. “Paul” McDonaldson during his young age. Some even goes as far as to say Eric has been like a second father figure to him. When asked, Paul was quoted saying “What the hell? I never said anything like that.” Eric assured us Paul response was likely just a joke.

Allison Solimene

Maid of Honor

A goofy, loud Italian who eats way too much pasta and pizza, angering her hip line. Loves distorting her voice to make crazy sounds and is a master of voice impressions (should have totally been a voice actor). So far, Stitch, Toad, Roz from Monsters Inc., and SpongeBob SquarePants' laugh live inside her vocal cords. May or may not have been made in her sister's laboratory, making her a twin. She plays Yu-Gi-Oh, Minecraft, Dungeons and Dragons, and other video games, making her a total nerd. Yet, she also enjoys working out, and she enjoys lifting weights. So... a strong nerd! She went to school for Criminal Justice and Victimology and Victim Services, earning a social science degree. Hey, a social science is still technically a science, okay? Also, she's really smart (she'd like to think so at least); nickname was "Google" in middle school because she knew all of the answers. Might as well have been called "know-it-all," but she'll take the compliment. She speaks Italian and enjoys cursing oblivious people out who assume it's a compliment. Wanted to do many things with her life throughout the years, such as: meteorologist, dog groomer, veterinarian, NBA superstar (that was a stretch), and police officer. Other people really wanted her to be a teacher, but that was a hard pass. Eventually, she landed on police officer and loves helping people who need it. Loves long walks on the beach, the color red, dogs, and her boyfriend, Mikey. All around a good person... right?

Chris Weeden

Best Man

Man of the dumb dumb

Angelia Solimene

Maid of Honor

A massive animal nerd. Like, really massive. She studied marine biology in school where she added even more weird animal facts to her arsenal and now uses these facts to teach people at Jenkinson's Aquarium. She absolutely loves her pals Turbo and Noelani the seals, Zuko and Lilo the African penguins, Wally the sloth, and Tortellini the tortoise. Beyond her wealth of animal knowledge, she is a huge fan of BTS (don't worry, she is a huge nice fan), a pug lover, a proud Yankees fan, and a foodie (a perk of her Italian heritage). She also has a secret obsession with building Legos and playing pinball (though she's only good at the "Theater of Magic" machine). She has even started playing DnD, where she plays... wait for it... a fish person that can summon water and change into other animals. Sounds like a marine biologist's dream, right? Like a good marine biologist she loves the beach and is exploring a hobby of finding seashells (or cool animal critters) when she isn't swimming. If you can't find her at work, she is probably home, jamming out to music (probably the Arirang album) or cheffing it up with "Papa's Pastaria". During the summer, she might be at a boardwalk, earning as many arcade credits as physically possible and eating all of the ice cream. Oh, she also has two sisters that look oddly alike. Honestly, she might just be a sea star. But behind the glasses is a girl with a heart of gold and a mild sense of humor, looking to spread happiness to those around her.

Ishan Broccoli

Groomsman

Ishan and Paul have been fated rivals from the start. He is the Gary to Paul’s Ash Ketchum. Sure, Ash wins a lot more often, and is the main character, and is objectively loved by way more people… But let’s not worry about that. They met at the Southern Crossroads, where they both were enlisted to Beta unit and began fighting hard for grades and wins in various low-skill competitions. Through the trials of trying to be the best, the embers of a bond were seeded: A bond that would one day rage into a great fire, and forge a friendship of four! The quartet of friends hung out a lot. Days, weeks, months and years flew by. Adventures were had. Drinks were drunk. Supers Smashes were Bro’d. All was well. And then Ishan left for college, and the dark times fell… And then he returned and the dark times went away! And then Paul left for college, and the dark times fell… And then Paul visited sometimes, so that was something! And then, an ultimate darkness fell. Ishan disappeared… Some say he went into the void. Some called it the upside down. Some call it hell. And some think it to be the scariest, most desolate wasteland conceivable to man: Australia. All we know is that since he disappeared, sometimes, in the middle of the night, if you’re very quiet, you can hear a ping in the group chat with his username pop up. And it gives you hope that his shining presence could one day grace your lives again. Maybe he will return someday. Perhaps you need to show up and find out for yourself.

Jayme Yee

Bridesmaid

Paul and Jayme met participating in 2021’s SALT consortium at the University of Southern Mississippi, in a building that smelled vaguely of rotten oysters, stale energy drink, and soggy Raising Canes. After speaking for the first time and eating cookies made by Paul- Paul and Jayme regretted all the life choices that had led them to this spawning hellscape. Tragic, really. Yet—true friendship. Their bond grew quickly, like mold in the forgotten crabs building. They bonded over food, beer, and shared academic distress. They quickly become friends- AKA: two overcaffeinated salty sardines with joint custody of one functional brain cell. Years of SALT spawns came and went, disasters accumulated, then Paul was offered an opportunity to pursue a PhD at the University of Florida in the same Lab as Jayme. Months later, Amanda —Paul’s fiancée, finally moved to Florida to join Paul in engaged bliss. Jayme assumed Amanda would find the pair of them exhausting (which she absolutely did). Amanda assumed Paul and Jayme were both from the same alien planet (TBD). Yet somehow, they adored each other and eventually came to share their own mutual brain cell. The three of them became a mismatched trio—Enjoying trips out of town, laughing through good times and supporting each other during difficult times. Though how they met was not magical, it was honest: proof that life is absurd, friendship is accidental, and sometimes the best friendships begin with a distressing oyster spawn.

Eric Haffey