Quotebook
October, 2016
"One of your classes is... 99 problems but this class ain't one? What on earth is that class? Something to help you adjust to college life? And a (required) animal welfare course... WHAT SCHOOL DO YOU GO TO?? "
January, 2017
"Once again, my mom had decided to put in an extremely cheesy, poorly acted, incredibly sappy romantic comedy. I, like the loving child I am, decided to watch it with her. I was transfixed in horror at the quality of the film, and yet did actually care about the end result. Was the Affleck look-a-like going to win back depressed girl's love after standing her up at the alter? Would the tall dude and flakey sister tell people of their secret love, or would the tall dude have to quit his job to avoid seeing her? The flakey sister threw a make-up party for the sad sister and the married sister so they would forgive each other (don't ask me what their argument was in the first place- I have no clue). In any case, my mother did not appreciate my helpful suggestions for an improved plot. I got asked to leave multiple times." "I'm truly impressed at your dedication and the complete sacrifice in the quality of content you consume in order to spend time with your mom. Such an inspiration."
January, 2017
"TL;DR- Gossip is lame. Interpretation is not. People are confusing. Memory is cool. So is work- we get to use cool words. YA weekend was good and bad- as any church social event is. Good>bad. I apparently needed to say a lot this particular night- also am very bad at paying attention for extended periods of time and staying on topic."
September, 2017
"How did you find your way home without your phone? Celestial bodies? Scent?" "Well, thankfully I know my way around the night sky. My years of nightly exploring prepared me for that moment! I used my handy dandy star charts to navigate home. Good thing it was a cloudless sky! (My phone came and stayed alive after the 5th try. It had 70% battery left, so I knew it had the juice)." "You know, with how much I've heard you talk about going on trips into the rugged boundary waters I actually thought you used the stars to get home for a split second. But with how sketchy your phone is, maybe you should invest in a sextant or a Viking sunstone for when it's cloudy." "Or I could get a golden retriever! I've seen Homeward Bound enough times to know that it might help me find my way home. Maybe." "Orrrr just get a new phone."
May, 2018
"In case you've ever questioned the level of my intelligence, here you go. Before going to bed, I took a 12 hour decongestant to help me breathe. No big deal right? Well, it was also a 12 hour stimulant.... facepalm." "Since you had sleeping troubles already, I'm sure the stimulant would just cancel out the already bad sleeping!"
April, 2018
"Can you imagine a world without fermented products of bacterial colonies? Without their lovely help, there would be no cheese, yogurt, olives, pickles, sauerkraut- not even chocolate! Sooooo pretty sure everyone has a palate for at least one strain of bacteria. I'm sorry that you can't handle anything more than the simple flavors. You're missing out on a whole world of food. What you call a detriment, I call an advantage. Bacteria are friends AND food!"
April, 2018
"As an American in capitalist society, I don't think I get to choose the value. Let the free market decide! Assuming that I could redeem each of your million "thanks" to motivate people to do things, your pledge of one million thanks is worth 33.5 million dollars!" "Woah! My thanks is worth more than Trump's loan from his dad! You could theoretically start up a company using all your thank-based currency!"
July, 2018
"These kids are debating the validity of Hillary's Russia hack. Despite being under 12, their manner of debating was frighteningly (albeit unsurprisingly) similar to what can be seen in tv." "Maybe deep down we're all just kids with slightly less volatility."
August, 2018
"I mean, out of our two states, only one has legalized the devil's past-time. Only one is currently on fire. Coincidence? I think not." "I'm wondering what the TSA thought the figs were. Tiny, taste bombs?" "How would the agents have reacted if I had tried to bring gushers?" "Gushers would be more deadly, but easier to get on the plane because you could bribe the guards with a taste of their explosive goodness." "Explosive goodness? Gushers are the taste of a young child's poorly drawn rainbow. You could bribe zero TSA agents with those abominations."
September, 2018
"At some point, you start to wonder if breathing pure water is possible." "At some point, I think you're pulling my leg."
October, 2018
"Excuse you, it's clearly two smileys. There's enough joy baked into those pastries to make two whole people smile."
January, 2019
"How much you wanna bet there's abstract art on museum wall right now in emoji?" "I'll bet you 25 honors and 3 pats on the back that there isn't emoji art on museum walls yet." "Mmmmmm 10 s'mores and a couple windmill doggy wags that there is (emoji art)." "I'm not exactly sure how I'm gonna provide you with windmill doggy wags, but I cede to your correctness." "Guess you're gonna have to buy me a dog."
February, 2019
"Dude Guess who joined the "officially good climber" club? Actually don't It was me I did it I joined the club" "I know that means you probably accomplished something semi-impressive, but I really hope that your school actually just has an "Officially Good Climbers" club that people can audition for to join up."
April, 2019
"My anecdotal evidence trumps your age-old wisdom and wide acceptance." "... I dislike your reasoning and would appreciate if it changed, please and thank you. Reroute your thinking processes to get better answers."
May, 2019
"You don't understand the beauty of the office. I was watching an episode today and I saw a joke I never noticed before- It's so beautiful." "Wow. That's 18 year old white girl on her 6th rewatch-style of comedy. I'm mildly horrified." "Wow. Thanks for attacking something I love unprovoked. Why have you got to be so negative? It's very immature and I'm very disappointed in you." "Take a number and seat in the complaint line. Granted, I will accept and subsequently not care, but feel free to submit your complaint anyway."
July, 2019
"Jason is 1000% more likely to respond to text messages when he's putting off a dumb assignment." "Heeeeeey that pairs nicely with 'Lauren will definitely talk with people after taking a practice exam to feel better about her unfortunate future grade."
July, 2019
"I'm ready for a more meme-able president." "Put me in coach! I'll take one for the team! Preliminary points to stand on: Pro-climate change. Let's make the planet get hotter, even faster! Healthcare- independent. Everyone is now responsible for funding AND TREATING themselves. It is now illegal to be a doctor. Mary Jane herself. Not only is it now legal, but the government also sends you a gift in the mail on your 18th birthday. One whole piece of weed. Nice. Homosexual marriage is no longer legal. Also heterosexual marriage is no longer legal. Marriage is now outside of the confines of the government. The government will, however, send TWO whole pieces of weed to congratulate you and your intended (only first time through-no repeat gifts). Bubble wrap is provided in the back of all police cars within reach of anyone in the back so they can de-stress and feel better. We declare war on ISIS. We will enforce nothing, but we'll sure declare it. Lauren McNair, 2036."
July, 2019
"Be funnier." "Impossible. I need feedback to improve. No one has critiqued my comedy yet." "Critique number one: be funnier. You're welcome. I'm very constructive."
November, 2019
"If you let yourself go to the point that you develop heart disease and type two diabetes by the time you're thirty... So help me, I will feed you nothing but low-grade Chinese fast food and chocolate bars until you die an early death."