Lauren & Jacob
Wedding Party
Emily Burnett
Maid of Honor
STATS Student: ★★★★★ Rule-Maker: ★★★★ Plant Mom: ★★ SPECIAL TALENT: The ability to plan a 5-star vacation on a 3-star budget. Being the best annoying little sister since 2000, Emily is Lauren's Maid of Honor. A pre-medical student at the University of Virginia, on a full scholarship (what a nerd), Emily lives with her college friends and fur-child, Jelly Bean.
Noah Bradshaw
Best Man
STATS: Emigrating: ★★★★★ Golf: ★★★ Caring for fish: ★ Special Talent: Remembering all of Jacob's embarrassing childhood moments Noah is Jacob's little brother and Best Man. He graduated from the University of Arkansas in the spring of 2020 and currently lives in Israel. His hobbies include wearing cowboy hats, debating with Jacob, and playing rugby.
Kaytlyn Biddle
Bridesmaid
STATS Teacher: ★★★★★ Book Enthusiast: ★★★★★ Video Game Anger Management: ★★ SPECIAL TALENT: Higher level mathematics and tolerance to teach said higher level mathematics. Kaytlyn, lovingly known as Biddle, has been one of Lauren's closest friends since 2010, and it speaks more to her insanity for sticking around for this long. She earned her Bachelor of Science in Mathematics in 2019, and her Master of Education from the University of Mary Washington in May of 2020. Biddle is, like, 85% of Lauren's impulse control.
Jacob Keohane
Groomsman
STATS: Thinking about Playing Dungeons and Dragons: ★★★★ Arriving on Time to Play Dungeons and Dragons: ★ Incorporating law school topics into Dungeons and Dragons: ★★★★★ Special Talent: Being one of the primary reasons Lauren and Jacob got to know each other Jacob is the first close friend that Jacob made in college. Jacob met Jacob in a creative writing club meeting, and they quickly became friends after Jacob said “we have the same name, so we should be friends.” Since then, Jacob quickly became like family to Jacob. Jacob is funnier than Jacob. For reasons that should now be obvious, most people refer to Jacob and Jacob as Keohane and Bradshaw then they are together. Jacob is currently enrolled at Duke University School of Law as a 3L.
Cristyn Filla
Bridesmaid
STATS The Mom-Friend: ★★★★★ Plant Queen: ★★★★ Book Purchase Impulse Control: ★ SPECIAL TALENT: The ability to smell out and find any second-hand bookstore within a ten-mile radius. If a library turned into a person, it would take the form of Cristyn. With a cultivated collection of books, her fur-son Kepler, and a Masters of Library Science, Cristyn is a Jane Austen dream that would make Chaucer blush. But don't be fooled, this friend-mom is an absolute party goblin and brings the life to any game-night party. Cristyn is currently pursuing her Master's of Library Science & Informatics from the University of Wisconsin.
Matthew Bondy
Groomsman
STATS: Block-print artwork: ★★★★★ Cooking skills: ★★★★ Fighting the urge to show cat pictures: ★ Special Talent: Calculating all probability vectors for every decision he makes. Matt is one of Jacob’s fraternity brothers and closest confidantes. Lauren affectionately refers to Matt as Jacob’s “husband”, but bigamy laws have unfortunately prevented Jacob from marrying both Lauren and Matt, so he had to pick Lauren. Matthew once used a complex encryption to conceal a secret message, which led to a hidden afikomen in a Where-is-Waldo picture. If you understand even part of that sentence, you should have an understanding of who Matt is.
Anna Gosling
Bridesmaid
STATS: Heart of Gold - ★★★★★ Keeper of the One Ring - ★★★★ Garlic Knot Sharing - ★ Special Talent: Has the potential energy to teach future generations physics, with the inertia to host game nights and take care of her friends, all while following the tenets of her role model, Smeagol. My head hertz after all of those physics puns... Anna is a walking, talking Simarillion with an affinity for all things smothered in garlic. An absolute gem of a person, she is also the "chaotic good" individual of the group, who is the exact opposite of impulse control.
Steve Simon
Groomsman
STATS: Puzzle mastery: ★★★★★ Philly Eagles fan: ★★★★ Staying in the Mid-Atlantic region: -★ Special Talent: The collective knowledge of the preparation and enjoyment of the different coffees of the world. Jacob and Steve were friends and fraternity brothers in college, but they became even closer friends after Jacob, Lauren and Steve lived together for Jacob’s last year of lawschool. During that time they celebrated the UVA basketball national championship, constructed giant puzzles, and climbed a mountain. Steve plans to use his experience as President of the AEPi fraternity in college, and his Master's of Accounting, to one day rule the world, so Jacob had to make him a groomsman to get on his good side.
Olivia White
Bridesmate
STATS: Pharmaceutical Alchemy - ★★★★★ Powerful Aura - ★★★★ Tolerance for Your Shenanigans - ★★ Special Talent: The ability to rule over her pharmaceutical domain as a witch looms over their bubbling cauldron, making sure her customer's eye of newt is filled on time, their wing of bat is covered by insurance, and that out-of-stock tongue of frog is ordered for next week. Freshman hall mates, birthday twins, and colleagues in medicine, Olivia is Lauren's counterpart in many aspects of life, including emulating Oscar the Grouch while working at the Sadler Center. She's an absolute charmer with a fantastic sense of humor and an aura to round out this ragtag bunch of trolls, hobgoblins and gnomes. Olivia is currently pursing her Doctor of Pharmacy degree from Virginia Commonwealth University.
Nelson Williams
Groomsman
STATS: Fatherhood: ★★★★★ Chess: ★★★★ Keeping out of general tomfoolery: ★ Special Talent: Human encyclopedia of Supreme Court cases Thomas Nelson Williams the Third, or Nelson, is a young nobleman from the Commonwealth of Virginia. Dissatisfied with a life of pastoral luxury, he instead set off on a journey of scholarly discovery and personal reflection. An avid student of the common law, he enjoys lengthy discussions of obscure court cases, German operas, Latin poetry, and other esoteric topics. Nelson is currently pursing his law degree at the University of South Texas.
Joanna Weedlun
Bridesmaid
STATS: Therapeutic aura: ★★★★★ Brewing tea: ★★★★ Taking a vacation: ★ Special Talent: A calming therapeutic ability so effective, she could mediate a conflict between Godzilla and King Kong Joanna is a fantastic person with a heart of gold and a cat of orange (shoutout to you, Romeo). She dedicates her time to the care of others' mental wellbeing and asks for little in return. She knows her way around a person's mind and has been a source of much comfort and affirmation to many in the past year and a half, including some of the ghosts in the house she just moved into with her husband, Steve. She is currently pursuing a Master of Science in Counseling; Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Hood College.
Paul Stein
Groomsman
STATS: Plague Hunter: ★★★★★ Cat lover: ★★★★ Drinking 40s: ★★ (formerly ★★★★★) Special Talent: His distinct desire to domesticate raccoons (they have little hands). Paul is a great friend to both Lauren and Jacob. No party would be completed without his iconic low voice and trademark rooster belt buckle. He worked as a contact tracker during the height of the pandemic, and decided the insanity of healthcare was just too interesting to pass up. He currently works for the Virginia Hospital Center, and comes to visit his friends in his free time (we know he's really just visiting to see the cats, but we can pretend).
Angelica Cabiles
Bridesmaid
STATS: Playlist curator: ★★★★★ Matcha consumption: ★★★★ Controlling herself around plants: ★★ Special Talent: She literally drives and helps operate a surgical robot in the operating room. Angelica is Lauren's work wife that she met in their hospital's OR bridge program at the beginning of 2020 (you can see where this is going). She kept Lauren sane through much of the pandemic and is always a shoulder to cry on, even if you have to bend down a little (a lot) to reach her. Angelica is an Operating Room RN in the specialties of robotics, laparoscopics, and general surgery. If you need someone to teach you the butchering arts, she's your girl!
Zack Burnett
Groomsman
STATS: Color Guard: ★★★★★ Video Games: ★★★★ Dodging Emily's punches: ★ Special Talent: Sarcasm and general sass-mastery Zack is Lauren’s little brother, so now he’s also Jacob’s little brother. He is an aspiring scientist, an accomplished athlete, and skilled video gamer. In merely 17 years of existence, his achievements already include designing a perpetual motion machine, beating the video game Borderlands 2 more than one-million times (perhaps a slight exaggeration), and escaping from a raccoon named Porkchop.