Carla & Maximilian
Our Legions
Katie Bainbridge
Best Woman
Katie can tell everything about you just by forcing a cotton swab into your mouth and spending six weeks in a lab. This is what she does instead of small talk. We've asked her to tone it down for the wedding, but I don't think she could hear us, what with those cotton swabs in our mouths at the time.
Sophie Bushwick
Best Woman
Sophie Bushwick is a hardnosed private investigator who doesn't want no sass you hear? If she catches you trying to flim-flam or show johnny law what for, she'll give you the one two straight in the kisser see? She and Mali, her mute, half-Taiwanese giantess assistant are here to clean up this joint.
Andy Cantor
Best Woman
The Andromeda Galaxy (/ænˈdrɒmɪdə/), also known as Messier 31, M31, or NGC 224, is a spiral galaxy approximately 780 kiloparsecs (2.5 million light-years) from Earth, and the nearest major galaxy to the Milky Way.[4] Its name stems from the area of the Earth's sky in which it appears, the constellation of Andromeda. (wikipedia.org)
Emily Reutebuch Ferretti
Best Man
Emily is the season 4 winner of The Great British Bakeoff and is probably the only person in the wedding party who can be trusted not to lose the rings. She managed to live in England for over two years and doesn't pretentiously say things like, "Come up to our flat, oh, sorry, 'Apartment.' I forget how you say things over here" which makes her a real life superhero.
Logan Porter Fritz
Best Man
Logan is one of those NPCs you meet in the forest in open world games that shows you how to use a new item. His long-term dream has always been to jump out of helicopters to fight forest fires which is why he doesn't have much of a retirement portfolio.
Kailyn Kent
Best Woman
Kailyn is not a dragon. She barely even hordes treasure. Where do these rumors get started? Okay. ONE time she razed a village into cinder, but to be fair that village was asking for it. With their snooty looks and secret treasure.
Danielle Lerner
Best Woman
Dani is an underground mole person, but one you could take to a fancy dinner party. She knows about rocks and mushrooms like all creatures of the night. Don't look at her hook hands or you'll get a scratching.
Walter Joseph Masterson IV
Best Man
Walter was in criminal gang of street urchins until he tried to pickpocket a rich bloke who took pity on him and brought him to New York. He then learned the basics of right and wrong and now co-parents the greatest dog in the universe.
Lauren Moon-Schott
Best Woman
Lauren is a professional book-binder, but doesn't sing Gregorian chants while working no matter how much you ask her to. If you sing karaoke with her, she will definitely judge you by your cover. Get it? Cause she's a book...binder. Max wrote this.
Jeremy Senie
Best Woman
Jeremy is three raccoons in a trench-coat and is not allowed in any Cinnabon locations after the incident. They are known for their cleanliness and for having to recite the entirety of Roget's Thesaurus whenever you get them wet. It's really kinda endearing, acceptable, adorable, agreeable, alluring, amiable, bewitching, captivating............
Hunter Shelburne
Best Man
Hunter knows many fun facts about Albuquerque and would like me to remind everyone that he is not the ghost of a civil war colonel who got really into podcasts. He is a living man of the 21st century.
Brendan Sokler
Best Man
Brendan is a CGI drinking robot that the producers added last minute to help bring in younger audiences. He is a part-time pro-wrestling sideline interviewer and can burp the entirety of Homer's Illiad.
Ana Rocio Valenzuela
Best Woman
Carla's brother Jaren managed to get Ana to marry him, which was a huge win for the family. She is hoping to leverage this wedding party gig into some sort of Wedding Makeover reality show pilot with Netflix. Is Netflix going to be there?