We said ‘I do,’ the cats said ‘Meh, whatever.’

Britt's version of events as told by Cheech Marin "Okay, so check it out, man. It was February of 2019, right? And Britt, she’s just chillin’, doing her homebody thing—stayin’ in, no big deal. But her roommate, Rita, she’s all like, ‘Hey, I’m gonna invite this dude, Dave, over.’ Now, Britt wasn’t too sure at first, you know, like, ‘What’s the deal with this guy?’ But Rita, she’s persistent, man. So finally, Britt comes out of her room, and what does she see? This dude, Dave, and boom—she’s smitten! She’s like, ‘Whoa, this guy, he kinda looks like a young Johnny Depp, you know, if Johnny Depp wasn’t too busy makin’ movies and stuff!’ So, they start goin’ on a few dates, and things are lookin’ pretty smooth, right? Like, the timing is perfect, it just clicks. Then, what happens? Boom! The pandemic hits. Outta nowhere, man. But here’s the kicker: Britt, after only knowin’ this guy for like a month, she decides, ‘You know what? I’m gonna stay with Dave and his family.’ Yeah, crazy, right? But hey, you know what? They get to know each other real quick. And before they know it, they’re totally vibin’, like two peas in a pod. They bond over family, core values, and—of course—humor. 'Cause you can’t get through life without laughin’, man!" Dave's version of events as told by Bernie Sanders "It all started in February of 2019, when I was, frankly, a putz—loafing around New York City, doing nothing of much consequence, but always surrounded by good friends. And Rita, she was one of those friends. Now, Rita, she was determined—determined, mind you—to set me up with her friend Brittani. At first, I had heard that Brittani was seeing someone. But you know, how serious could it be? I did what any self-respecting person would do in my situation—I inserted myself into the narrative. And let me tell you, luck was on my side because somehow, I managed to score a meeting. Now listen, Rita, she’s a good person, but she doesn’t always explain the details of a situation in the clearest way. I thought this was going to be a night out, you know? But no—when I showed up, Rita was cooking... something that smelled vaguely like food. Brittani? Nowhere in sight. I started thinking, ‘Maybe I’ve got the wrong day, or maybe the wrong everything.’ But no, Rita calls Brittani out from a back room, and out she comes—dressed like she was about to take a nap, not exactly the red carpet look I was expecting! But even in her bedtime attire, I could tell—I could feel—that I had her attention. Fast forward a little: we start going on dates, and, lo and behold, things are going great. Then, just as you think everything’s going according to plan, the pandemic hits. But here’s the thing—we didn’t panic, no. We made our way to my mom’s house, after only knowing each other for about a month, and we weathered that storm together. And let me tell you, those three months were some of the greatest months of my life. Getting to know Brittani—it was an honor. I knew, in that moment, that this was it, this was meant to be. And now, five years later, two cats, a cozy little two-bedroom in Queens, and I still consider myself the luckiest shmuck in the world. Why? Because I found someone who shares my values, my humor, and my commitment to building a life together. And that, my friends, that is what matters most."