Molly & Brenden
Wedding Party
Brenden Patterson
Groom
Soon we will be joined in our nuptials, as throngs of our most devoted followers dance with fanatical intensity to the hypnotic beats of Affordable Disc Jockeys. Though in return I will receive naught but a single frail and sickly ox for extending my hand in marriage, I find this a most fortuitous match. Molly is quite docile following her procedure, and her ample posterior is the envy of the whole village. If we are to believe the local bog witch, this joining has been prophesied for eons.
Molly Rose Cochran
Bride
I thank god that Mr. Patterson chose to wed an old spinster like me. I fear I had become a burden on my family, after my feminine nerve required my family to put me up in the sanatorium. The lobotomy was no small cost, thus my father was only able to offer one ox as my dowery. I may be homely and ill tempered, but I vow to be a dutiful wife to Mr. Patterson and bear him many cursed offspring.
Caleb Harris
Best Man
Little do you know, Brenden is really my arch nemesis. He stole my girlfriend in the 6th grade, and he thought he could make it up to me by making me his best man. It's been 15 years, and ever since that day I have been biding my time. Soon I will have my revenge. Molly's cool though.
Quinn Madden
Maid of Honor
If Molly is a bridezilla (which she is), then I am her henchman of honor. If any of you bitches stir up trouble on my queen's day, consider yourself in debt. What do you owe? Hell. I will accept Hell payments via Zelle or Bitcoin, or I will send Molly's reanimated vampire husband after you. If someone wears white? Watch out because I am going to pour red paint on you (it's not paint). Molly is the voice inside my head. Molly is the blood that pumps through my veins. If you dare not come correct on her wedding day...baby, it is so over for you. Anyways, so excited to celebrate with you all! #bridecrew
Connor Patterson
Groomsman
By day, I blend into society. By night, I fight crime. I tend to enjoy mountain biking, fishing, and golf in my free time when I am not fighting crime. But today, I stand here not as The Dark Knight, but as a groomsman, honored to watch Brenden become Molly's sidekick.
Baylee Cochran
Bridesmaid
Absolute babe, fashion icon, and sister by blood oath to Molly!!! Soon to be sister by choice to Brenden!
Brady Patterson
Groomsman
Brady is Brendens 16-year old brother, a young Serena Williams on the tennis court, and the Vice President of student council at Boone High School. Known to scheme and scam with Molly, and send her lots of cringe content on social media, we can only assume he supports this union...because he never submitted a bio himself. Brady loves critters and he is a Frida Kahlo like artist. Brady is sure to spend more time on his hair than the bride on the wedding day. Because he couldn't be bothered to send us a bio, we were going to say something about how Brady still wears diapers, but we will cut him some slack.
Julia Hunter
Bridesmaid
I have known Molly Rose for 20 years. Ever since we were little girls, Molly has dreamt of sharing her life with a tall, mysterious man. When I first saw Brenden emerge from the shadows, I realized that Molly had met her match. The love they share is beautiful and strong. I am honored to stand by Molly's side and witness my lifelong friend marry her soulmate. A message to the groom: Brenden, you better treat Molly as nothing less than a goddess or I will turn this wedding into a murder mystery.
Noah Harvey
Groomsman
Sports. That's right. At the age of 13, I am at the pinnacle of athletic performance. I play basketball 24 hours a day. I have had 38 experimental surgeries to augment my body, becoming a lethal weapon on the court. I have a 13 foot vertical. My pediatrician says my eyesight is comparable to a red-tailed hawk, and my mind is on par with a Nobel laureate scientist. I run a 4.17 40. Needless to say, I will follow my brother with unmatched speed and precision down the aisle to stand by his side as he marries the love of his life.
Daisy Ramirez
Bridesmaid
Molly and I shared clothes all throughout college. You can thank me for every time you saw her sport a mini skirt on Welch Ave. My closet doors will always be open to Molly and now Brenden.
Roy Hunter
Ring Bearer
Roy may be young in years, but he is wise. He knows that the quest he has received for this special night must be completed without fail. The entire event depends on his ability to present the matrimonial bands that represent the love and respect that Brenden and Molly share. He has prepared his whole life for this moment.
Rogue Harris
Flower Girl
Brenden and Molly are Rogue's Cosmo and Wanda. Little girl with a big attitude and even bigger heart, she will fulfill her duties as Flower Girl with every fiber of her being.
Collin Cochran
Officiant
I am really coming to this wedding for the open bar. I saw a video online that said you can ask for as many beers as you want and they legally can't say no. As Molly's older brother, she knows we love to laugh in this family... so in all seriousness, if I do get cut off I will keep going up to the bar in different disguises and none of you can stop me.