Michael & Mallory
Wedding Party
Agatha Barkness
Best Dog
Agatha is the newest addition to the Brand/Barnes household and by far the weirdest. She joined the family in June of 2024 and since then, the family has hit the legal limit of dogs allowed within city limits. Aggie can often be found standing and panting in the middle of the room, which is where she will be during the wedding. If you see her after the wedding, conversations topics can include how scary shadows and vinyl floors are, barking at nothing, and her heart's desire to escape by any means necessary.
Beau
Dog of Honor
Mallory got Beau in December of 2019. He was the first love of her life. Although he is the smallest dog in the house, he is the definitely the alpha dog. Mallory loves to compete with him in agility competitions and force everyone to love him. If you see him at the wedding, conversation topics could include: Kissing anyone in the mouth, imitation crab, bridging people in the morning, and how scary thunder and wrapping paper are.
Becky
Maid of Honor
Mallory first crossed paths with Becky in classes at Muse Pole Fitness. They immediately bonded over the fact that they both are the epitome of a Virgo. Since they are both always at the studio, their friendship grew quickly and has remained a big part of Mallory's life. They spend most of their time laughing at dumb jokes or blaming all of life's problems on being a Virgo. If you see her at the wedding, conversation topics could include: Tigers, her cats, Archie and Lily (Lily loves her boyfriend way more than her though), eating copious amounts of snacks as fast as possible with Mallory, and her job which has something to do with rodent poop.
Betsy
Sister of the Groom
Betsy “Betty the Bruiser” Balkin Growing up, Michael and Betsy weren’t always the best of friends. They said some pretty nasty things to each other and slammed a bedroom door or two back in the day. Once mortal enemies, these two are like two peas in a pod now. As it turns out, these two are not unlike one another. They both teach music, have the same goofy sense of humor, and know how to kill a frozen pizza. One of Michael’s fondest memories with Betsy was drinking free beer at Bat 17 during the year they spent together at Northwestern University. If you see her at the wedding, conversation topics could include: pizza, pinot grigio, and her thoughts on Michael’s ex’s.
Binks
Best Dog
Michael adopted Binks in 2020 from a Greyhound rescue. Binks spends most of his time sleeping in his favorite dog bed that is way too small for him, with the zoomies sprinkled in every once in awhile. Binks has to guard his green couch while we are away, so he will not be coming to the wedding. If you see him after the wedding, conversation topics could include: Greenies, getting lost in the woods at the dog park, how taxing it is to be a dog, and being powered by sunbathing.
Craig and Shelia
Officiants
Mallory met the Franklins at one of Muse's shows. She was looking for a place to live and ended up being their roommate (well mostly forcing their dogs to sleep with her, drinking coffee with Shelia, and offering Craig all of the food that she cooked). Mallory loved every second of living at the Franklin household and is beyond lucky to have them as her adopted parents. Mike and Mallory cannot wait to have them officiate the wedding! If you see Craig at the wedding, conversation topics could include: The Grateful Dead, rodent poop, how much Aquarius is on his zodiac chart, his mac and cheese wall and/or cheese, and how Jed is his favorite Franklin dog. If you see Shelia at the wedding, conversation topics could include: Gnomes, mushrooms, BeauBeau Kitty's song, how haunted her house is, tie dye, if there is wine to be had, and the soap jingle. BONUS: Ask Craig to "hrr it out" or ask Shelia to show you her favorite dance move.
Danielle
Photography Extraordinaire/Bridesmaid
Mallory and Danielle met while working at an event with Pole Sport Organization. They instantly bonded over their shared love of traveling and alpacas. Dani’s fiery red hair pairs perfectly with her bubbly personality and sassy sense of humor. Mallory adores FaceTiming Dani and getting the chance to talk to her family. Mallory is a super fan of Nan and Momma Chudoij. Dani is an insanely talented photographer and Mallory and Michael are beyond lucky to have her not only shoot their engagement and wedding, but also be a part of the wedding party. If you see her at the wedding, conversation topics could include: Dunkin’ Donuts, her willingness to try any food, her growing fur family, Chobalita Barnes, hairless bears, what it was like to see a Missouri bone pile, and generally being a sassy little minx.
Doug
Groomsman
Doug “Dug” Balkin Michael first met Doug when he went to see Betsy in a production of the Mikado, whereupon he remarked that Doug was the spitting image of Chris Kattan – it’s the eyes. Doug is the kind of guy that you can feel comfortable talking to about anything and everything. When he’s not chatting you up, you can find him reading a book, listening to a podcast, or attempting to put the kids to bed - while accidentally putting himself to bed. If you see him at the wedding, conversation topics could include: baseball, cybersecurity, coding, books, and literally anything because he’s easy to talk to.
Emily
Sister of the Groom
Emily "The Late, Wise Scholar" Oehrtman In the early years, Emily’s rebellious spirit paved the way for Michael to enjoy a carefree childhood. She is known for her exclusively black wardrobe, her perplexing ability to arrive exactly 15 minutes late, and her impeccable sisterly advice. Michael didn’t always appreciate Emily’s advice as a kid, but secretly he always knew that she was right. I mean, she has more degrees than the Vikings have Superbowl titles… ok, poor analogy. Emily is the queen of nicknames -Miguelito, McBee, Bubba, Mikey the Monkey to name a few. Michael has been following in her footsteps for as long as he can remember, and she has never led him astray. If you see her at the wedding, conversation topics could include: the color black, the Buckeyes, cooking, her daughter Piper, or sleeping in – actually, she is a mom now so maybe don’t bring up sleeping in.
Hilary
Bridesmaid
Hilary was Mallory’s first handstand coach! Their friendship really blossomed during Mallory’s private handstand lessons when she moved back to Missouri. The privates mostly consisted of Hilary hauling Mallory’s butt up into a handstand and Mallory being scared to cartwheel between a mat and a wall. After being paired together in pole pieces for years, they accepted their destiny and made their debut as pole doubles partners this year. They spend their time sending scary doubles moves to each other on Instagram and occasionally trying them, eating nerds clusters, and having deep and meaningful conversations exclusively in the car. If you see her at the wedding, conversation topics could include: Sloths, her grumble, her thoughts on socks, her extensive fake mustache collection, and her tattoo named Bleepins.
Jon
Best Man
Jon “American Hero” Fraaza Michael met Jon in their college a cappella group “Asterik,” where they bonded over their love of musi… ok let’s be real, this a cappella group was basically a drinking group with an a cappella problem. Jon was the voice of reason amongst a crowd of eccentrics who made questionable choices. To this day, most of Michael’s college “memories” are simply Jon’s memories told through the lens of the only sober guy in the room. Michael and Jon have stayed in touch over the years mostly through DnD campaigns where Dungeon Master Jon is - yet again - the voice of reason amongst a crowd of eccentrics who continue to make questionable choices. If you see him at the wedding, conversation topics could include: film, the government, Dungeons and Dragons, and how to parent grown-ass adults.
Jordan
Bridesmaid
Jordan was Mallory's first pole instructor! Their friendship flourished when Mallory started taking weekly private lessons with Jordan, which has mostly consisted of Jordan heaving Mallory's butt into the air and Mallory constantly worrying about kicking Jordan in the head. When she takes a break from hoisting Mallory up, Jordan always has a few dad jokes to share. She was recently awarded "World's Sexiest Dad", and she sure deserves it! If you see her at the wedding, conversation topics could include: Any form of potatoes, her growing collection of Nightmare Before Christmas blankets, her seal impression, Rock music, cookies, and her best friend, Simba.
JP
Groomsman
JP “Grill Master” Oehrtman JP is one of the most fun-loving people you will meet. He always seems to have a smile on his face, and he knows how to deliver a good dad joke. Michael and JP have bonded over their mutual love of Star Wars, though JP is the true Star Wars nerd. JP is a master with the grill, and he makes a mean rub. If you see him at the wedding, conversation topics could include: Star Wars, grilling, fantasy football, and the proper pronunciation of “Ginny.”
Kaitlyn
Semi-Professional Dog Wrangler
Mallory met Kaitlyn at Muse Pole Fitness, just like most of her other friends! She was one of Mallory's first Lyra instructors and taught Mallory to enjoy Lyra. When Mallory's sister got married, Kaitlyn was asked to perform at her wedding! Kaitlyn absolutely adores every animal that she comes into contact with, which is why she was asked to do such a crucial role at the wedding. If you see her at the wedding, conversation topics could include: lemons, old architecture, anything that is super tiny, how every animal is a baby, goats, and her magnet collection.
Leah
Maid of Honor
Leah and Mallory met when Mallory started classes at Muse Pole Fitness in 2017. When Mallory returned to the studio after moving back to Columbia, their friendship really took off. They often refer to each other as 'sisters' and definitely act like them! They have traveled to multiple countries together and when they are not traveling, they continue to build their friendship by sending each other pictures of their animals. If you see her at the wedding, conversation topics could include: BLACKPINK, any of her animals (including the opossums that frequent her house), her hatred of dolphins, and her relationship with soy.
Lurch
Dog of Honor/Best Dog
Lurch came into Michael and Mallory's lives in June of 2023. They originally wanted another sighthound, but they saw Lurch and couldn't resist those sweet eyes. He has absolutely no body awareness at all and his hobby is knocking over everything with his tail. If you see him at the wedding, conversation topics could include: The squirrel invasion in his backyard, kitchen dances with Mallory, his outstanding ability to weave, awooowooowoo-ing in the morning, and corn-cobbing people's toes.
Sam
Bridesmaid
Mallory met Sam when she started working for Pole Sport Organization in 2021. They bonded over their love for coxinha (a Brazilian croquette), dogs, and Mallory's extensive knowledge of Portuguese cuss words. Mallory got to be there when Sam tried her first cheese curd while they were looking at wedding venues, which was an important moment in both of their lives. When they visit each other, they spend their time watching trashy shows on Netflix, Mallory forcing Sam to drink water, and talking about their shared hatred of American Airlines. If you see her at the wedding, conversation topics could include: Her dog Dexter, Peach Rings, Love is Blind, her extensive knowledge on the squeakiness of cheese curds, and Adele and any lyrics from her songs (you could even bring up the time she went to her concert). BONUS: Ask Sam how she got second-hand catfished.
Sara
Sister of the Bride/Bridesmaid
Since day one, Sara has been in Mallory's life. She got so lucky to have Sara as a sister. Not only did she get to grow up with her, she also went though most of quarantine with her... And they survived, though there were a few dark moments when their mom would use her Vitamix blender for 3+ minutes while they both were on Zoom calls. When they visit each other now, it's mostly them eating, watching The Office or Impractical Jokers, and Sara forcing Mallory to go to CrossFit. If you see her at the wedding, conversation topics could include: Pomeranians, Marshalls, coffee, Football (but the Vikings, NOT the Packers), anything miniature, her hatred of ranch, and her childhood best friend, Elmie.
Rosalita Barnes
Dog of Dishonor
Contrary to her last name, Rosie is not Mallory's dog. Mallory fell in love with Rosie when she moved in with the Franklins. She started training Rosie in nosework, which only somewhat helped with her terrible manners... When she is not jumping on the counter to steal food you can find Rosie barking incessantly during zoom meetings and "hrrring" it out on the carpet. If you see her at the wedding, conversation topics could include: Her future as a TSA agent, street burritos left by Frat boys, her favorite orange chair, her recent hospital visit after she ate a box of chocolates, and generally being evil.
Ryan
Groomsman
Ryan “Woo No Thank You” McFall Michael and Ryan met each other three or four times before they both realized they had already met each other. They performed in a wedding and a concert together before they even realized that they were kindred spirits. Ryan and Michael bonded over their love of Star Wars, cigars, football, dogs, and their ability to start singing a song in the correct key (Ryan is far superior at this). Ryan was there for Michael during some tough times. He is the kind of friend who you know will drop what he’s doing to pick you up off the floor (sometimes literally). At work, he and Michael are frequently confused for one another because they both have an exceptionally rare hair color: brown. If you see him at the wedding, conversation topics could include: MIZ-ZOU, Star Wars, whiskey, and that Packer game he kind of went to.
Sammy
Sammy-Professional Dog Wrangler
Mallory met Sammy through Leah's family a few years ago at their weekly 'family night'. They would sit around and eat food, talk about animals, and laugh uncontrollably. Sammy's contagious laughter fills the room, which is why they bonded so quickly. She is a master gift giver and has given Mallory eclectic and thoughtful gifts, including a painting of Beau riding Binks like a horse, wine glasses with Beau's face on them, an abstract picture of Craig with "Fight the Dogma" on it, and her late cat's ashes. If you see her at the wedding, conversation topics could include: Her extensive research of Meatball Nositis, her paintings on large Jenga blocks, hamsters, Junior Mints, and walking her cats in a stroller.
Victor
Brother of the Bride/Bridesman
Mallory met Victor almost a decade ago when he started dating her sister, Sara. Since then, Victor has become Mallory's protective big brother, who literally worries about everything. EVERYTHING. When they visit each other, they love to get Jamaican beef patties and walk Beau together (which turns into Sara and Mallory forcing Vic to race Beau). Victor is such a wonderful addition to her life. He will be escorting Mallory down the aisle at the wedding. If you see him at the wedding, conversation topics could include: CrossFit, Football (well, really any sport), falling asleep within the first 5 minutes of a movie, being a mother hen, and why his name is Victor Martin Ebert Jr. III.