Build Love with the Billups!

Chapter 1: Ashira I was a single, NYC boss lady and I had built my dream career. Love was a totally different story. They say you have to kiss a few frogs to find your prince. In NYC dating…maybe more than a few. So after the trials and tribulations, I had all but settled on a satisfying but likely single life. Enter that life changing force of nature—reality TV. I watched, “Love Match Atlanta,” a drama-filled saga of Atlanta area match makers helping Black singles like me find their perfect matches. I became inspired and intentional. Not two days after I binged season 1, I logged on to a Facebook group where another doctor was playing match maker for her sister who did this professionally. She posted a handsome, intelligent, and successful former military Black man who was passionate about his career and family. Icing on the cake: that sister match maker was featured on my reality show! I was excited to meet him…and it didn’t hurt that these were the match makers from the show! So I threw my hat in the ring and set up an appointment to see if I could be Darnell’s perfect match. In one, 7 minute conversation with the match makers, it became clear (to them) that I was his one. After a scheduled 30 minute zoom date became a 3 hour zoom date (and everyone hates zoom), it became pretty clear to us too. Chapter 2: Darnell I was ready for real love and partnership. The endless swiping and sifting of modern dating just wasn’t getting me the result I wanted. As a trained researcher and Marine, I was nothing if not intentional. I broke the problem down and realized I needed a completely new strategy. Turning to the experts, I interviewed multiple matchmakers, listed pros and cons, and built spreadsheets in my quest to find my perfect match. When I met with the matchmakers I would eventually choose, they broke past my formula. They saw through my check boxes and identified what I really needed in a partner. I decided to trust them and put the “love finding” squarely in their hands. It also didn’t hurt that they were Black women and were about to be featured on a reality TV show about match making for Black women. I just knew my perfect match—my beautiful Black women—would watch the show, learn about my matchmaker, and want to match with me. I eventually was introduced to Ashira. She was more than beautiful, and more than what I wanted—she was the partner I needed. She knew the importance of family, envisioned sitting for dinner together every evening, and was an avid reader (yes, Mom, she had tons of books). Ashira and I met on Zoom for our first date, I meet her in-person two weeks later, she was my girlfriend shortly after. But I knew I didn’t need anyone else after the first date on Zoom. Certainly the best thing I’d ever learned in a Zoom meeting.

Chapter 3: Ashira I was meeting children. Impressionable, fragile, judgmental children. What if I said the wrong thing? Was it too soon? Would they take kindly to sharing their Dad with me? Most importantly, would they like my cooking? It had to be perfect. I thought this would happen for Christmas and not Halloween, but no biggie. We’d watch the Nightmare Before Christmas. And I’d cook an amazing meal like…crab cakes! I’d teach them how to bake rice crispy treats, we’d laugh together, we’d all have matching Nightmare Before Christmas socks, and snuggle, and watch the movie together! It was going to be perfect! They were going to love me instantly! Yeah. My perfect house wife fever dream was no match for actual reality. Amazon wouldn’t deliver Nightmare before Christmas pajamas on time, work ran long so I ran through a crowded train station, grocery delivery was not a thing, and traffic would not let us be great. As I sat in Darnell’s car turning my perfect plans into good enough plans I could feel my anxiety wrapped in anger bubbling up. I just kept thinking, “Don’t start unnecessary arguments. Arguing with their father will not make the evening better.” Darnell took my hand, kissed it, and said, “we can make this low stress, they are going to love you because you are you.” It was enough to bring my nerves down. I was skeptical, but he was right. They loved our taco bar dinner, matching Nightmare Before Christmas socks, and off-tune movie night singing. I could see our family starting to gel. Chapter 4: Darnell I’ve always been hesitant about introducing women to my kids. In my dating life, I’ve created barriers to protect my kids, but also myself. I knew that the woman I introduced to them would be the person I’d marry. I knew Ashira was the one. She was hesitant to meet the kids because she wanted the moment to be perfect. She loves the holidays and wanted to wait until Christmas, but I wanted to do it sooner. Halloween was the right time—a holiday loved both by my partner and my kids. She made ambitious plans all week that I didn’t have the heart to tell her probably wouldn’t work out seamlessly. She arrived from NYC tired from work and more than a little on edge. There was a minor time delay on our way from the train station to my house. I could feel the tension in the car as she balanced a critical moment in our relationship with the chance of it not going perfectly. We stopped at the grocery store, and she pushed past other shoppers with all the reckless abandon of a New Yorker powering through a crowd of tourists. When we finally picked up the kids, I could see the tension melt away. They shuffled into the car chatting endlessly about their day, and Ashira chatted right along with them. In the end, we made it and had a great time. Ashira planned a great memory for the kids that they still talk about today. Our family was starting to bond.

Chapter 5: Ashira Darnell and I were moving quickly and steadily toward a life partnership. Having always been a career driven person, I found myself at a crossroads between the life I had built and the life I told God I wanted. How could an Ivy league, tenure track, assistant professor in the larger than life NYC finally choose family, legacy, and generational love? Darnell and I had been wrestling with this question when we went to church. The preacher told the story of Jacob who was wrestling with God. With one touch to the hip, God crippled Jacob so that he could stop fighting and submit to God’s plan. When Jacob realized he was fighting with God, he insisted on not letting go until he was blessed. That day, Jacob learned God’s name. The church repeated the refrain, “I am blessed but not without a limp.” As if ordered that day, Darnell and I took the kids to a trampoline park where I suffered a major injury. I tore my ACL, among other ligaments in my knee. Suddenly I was unable to return to New York, had to change my entire work schedule, and had to submit to the care of the man with whom I’d fallen in love yet was scared to depend on. Darnell, his family, and children showed me such love, tenderness, and grace. Healing from my injury was easy because Darnell was showing me a love I knew I’d never have to heal from. Over the weeks I learned to walk toward our life together with surrender, but not without a limp. Chapter 6: Darnell Ashira and I were quickly and happy progressing through our relationship. We saw eye-to-eye on the biggest things including money, family, and values. I set an intention to propose to her in 2023, but I didn't know exactly when. Would I wait until the summer or fall? Then, Urban Air happened. We were planning a Sunday evening activity. The kids and Ashira decided against going on a nice walk along the creek near our home. They all wanted to go to Urban Air, which is a large trampoline park in Fredrick, MD. We were having so much fun jumping and flipping and playing dodge ball until everything suddenly changed. Ashira and Christopher hurt themselves—Ashira very badly. After carrying both of them from the car to the house, we found out that both would need to use crutches and Ashira would need major knee surgery. I was now the caretaker for both my injured son and partner. I was used to this role as a Dad with my son, but Ashira was a different story. She was someone who could take care of herself in all situations, with or without help. But she let me in to the deepest parts of her humanity in the aftermath of the injury. She accepted my help, depended on me, and was vulnerable. Her vulnerability then created a deeper space for our love to grow even faster. I knew then I would pop the question within the next few weeks. 

Chapter 7: Ashira I was having an awful week that culminated in an emergency meeting in conflict with my train. He had planned for us to attend a gala, and I wasn’t sure I’d make it. He insisted we had to be on time. When asked why, his answers got murky. Very strange for a man who makes detailed plans about every decision then outlines them in Google Sheets for reference. Something was up, but I decided to be a good girlfriend and get a flight. My meeting ran long, and I got to the airport 35 minutes before my flight still on crutches. An attentive airline attendant immediately put me in a wheelchair and wheeled me through security. As I presented my ticket to TSA the reader broke! I text Darnell I didn’t think I’d make it, but I got to the gate 12 minutes to take off! He was there to pick me up in DC with snacks (because his mom raised him right). But at the hotel I had a hard time feeling beautiful so took longer than usual to get dresses. I was making us later and later and I noticed he was taking deep breaths and texting. He kept saying our driver would give us a little more time. A little more time. I finally finished and when we got to the car, I realized the driver was Barry, the bike guide who took us on a buggy tour of DC on one of our first dates. Instead of a T-shirt, our tour guide was in a suit, and instead of a buggy a black car. He was there to re-create our first date tour. We drove around DC learning of the landmarks and looking at Cherry Blossom trees. Our tour ended at The Kennedy Center and Darnell took me up to the roof top. When we were overlooking The Lincoln Memorial I tried to pull him forward and realized he was no longer walking. I turn around and see the love of my life down on one knee. I was beaming, my heart racing, and with no clue what he was saying, I instinctively shoved my left hand in his face and just kept saying, “Yes!” He put the ring on and stood up to kiss me when I realized he booked a photographer. He whisked me off to dinner, and when we returned to the hotel, there were balloons, flowers, cake, and champagne. My fiancé, always prepared. Chapter 8: Darnell I had received her father's blessing, so I was now ready. I knew I wanted to pop the question in DC, but she was still recovering from her knee surgery. According to her doctors, she would use crutches for 6 to 8 weeks. I now had my mission time, location, and objective. I reached out to her friends and family for help. September pretended she’d be in town visiting family to get Ashira to DC. She gave me the Cherry Blossom gala idea to make sure Ashira would dress up. Angela helped her shop for dresses knowing she was not going to a ball but getting engaged to her Prince Charming. My plan to recreate our first DC date included a chauffeured tour, surprise photographer, and dinner reservations. All week Ashira was pushing to delay the event. I kept trying to come up with excuses I didn't believe as to why she needed to be on time. She didn't understand the importance, but she made me a promise and she is a person of her word. I knew she would do everything in her power to get to me. The weeks of planning would come down to whether Ashira would make her flight. My stomach was turning in knots with every airport update. I wanted to make our proposal an event to remember, but I couldn't do it without her! Ashira's work, her recent surgery, and trying to keep everything a surprise made things difficult. With 12 minutes to spare, she texted me that she made it to her plane. Once she got to the hotel and changed into her ball dress, I walked her downstairs and revealed the surprise. The tour guide drove us around and dropped us off at the Kennedy Center for a "better view of the cherry blossoms". I walked her to the balcony of the Kennedy Center and got on one knee to propose. She was so excited I don’t think she heard anything I said. She jabbed her finger at me, I put a ring on it and kissed her. We were to be married!