Alice & Jake
Wedding Party
Christopher Cullen
Best Man
A perennial hot head, this bad boy of the kitchen takes no prisoners when it comes to his culinary thought experiments. In a 2015 interview with Zaddy's Digest, the problematic chef waxed poetic on his unique sensibilities: "There's this thing about food man... Better than chicks, better than blow! And the best thing about it? The thing that really gets my goat? It can't fight back." His most recent project -- described by the Krone as "borderline raw street pigeon meets golden era Guantanamo" -- has both excited and disgusted followers of the wunderkind. Nevertheless, Herr Kristoff remains affable in the face of his naysayers and indifferent to the praise of his acolytes.
Toby Lanzkowsky
Groomsman
Mothers lock up your fathers, this octogenarian enthusiast is ready to make some moves at the wedding of the season. Whatever you do, don't let him get behind you on the dance floor... A supposedly exiled prince from the hinterlands of Dakar, this modern day daddy's boy has seldom been known to take "no" for an answer. In fact, the Columbia Business School was recently forced to admit him by virtue of an "anonymous" letter bomb. A frequent sufferer of cysts and phantom concussions, Tobias is determined to rise above it all for Alice and Jake's wedding; nothing (and no one...) will prevent him from having a good time.
Erick Wong
Groomsman
This disgraced circuit court judge is proof that it's never too late to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and commit securities fraud. In all likelihood, this wedding will be one of the last trips around the sun for a once distinguished public servant, now awash in the fumes of brown liquor and crippled by the poison of regret. Her name was Tiger, and he was her everything. To make a long story short, he gave it all away for a life on the road, chasing down crooks with a .45 in one hand and a tattered copy of "The Federalist Papers" in the other. Make sure you catch him before they cut the cake in Skaneateles, before his nightly ritual: starring into the dregs of his glass and imagining a life the could've been.
Matt "Colonel" Creeden
Groomsman
Some are born to lord over others. Plain and simple. By such divine decree, this tall drink of Genny Cream Ale has been ruling Washington with an iron fist ever since Barry O sold him the reins. More of a socialite than a legislator, this autocrat of the future has been licking his chops ever since the engagement between Alice and Jake has been announced. What better place to prospect for party members than an old Union chair factory, whispers of Lincoln swirling in the rafters, and dissipating just as noiselessly into the annals of unwritten history. It is by his birthright that he will be our leader, and it is along the blade of his upraised sword, into eternity, that we shall cast our collective gaze.
Ryan Little
Groomsman
Wolves feed at night, and this tycoon is no stranger to a nocturnal sales cycle. A purveyor of penny stocks and a celebrant of innumerable quinceaneras, this walking limerick has the wherewithal to gouge your eyes out and sell them back to your mistress at a premium. He has yet to meet a 1 iron he doesn't like or a cart girl who isn't willing to serve it up extra cold for a modest chunk of that sweet, sweet commish. When the world is your oyster, forget about the pearls... and if the SEC comes knocking, just tell them you're allergic to shellfish.
Luke Metzler
Groomsman
A modern day Jim Morrison if there ever was one, the crawling king snake of Pasadena will be slithering into Skaneateles with his Californian trifecta of looks, libido, and lush, lush melodies. Following a season ending groin implosion, this one time righty reliever of the Biloxi Shuckers has since traded in his rocket arm for a full suite of left-libertarian sensibilities. Three chords and the truth? Amen! Just listen to his catalog and you'll hear the pious echoes of Guthrie; of Fogerty; of Mr. Worldwide himself. Until the Syphilis renders him insensate, let us bask in the song of himself.
Kaitlyn Nannen
Groomswoman
Take heed as the butter ball of the Rockies begins rolling her way into Skaneateles for Alice and Jake's wedding. When she isn't bullying her cat, Ralph, or laughing in the face of a newly born baby, Butters can be found in the pilates studio, terrorizing the housewives of Vail. "All work and no cookie dough makes daddy love mommy" she reminds the poor women as they grapple with the resistance of their reformers and the severity of time. The darling of the family or a serpent in the grass? We'll let the wedding guests decide.
Erin Nannen
Groomswoman
Known as The Tarantula by scores of eligible bachelors in the Rochester metropolitan area, this spider is looking to catch herself a fly at The Sinclair. You can find her by the pool these days, a graveyard of Seagrams wine coolers scattered about her beach chair, hissing fragments of Poe's "Annabel Lee" at unsuspecting squirrels. Should you dare pay her a visit, by all means refrain from making eye contact with her cyclops cat who is apt to lose a tooth if met with so much as a sidelong glance. When it's time to hit the dance floor, notice her roll up her sleeves and disconnect that IV of Ketamine; dancing without her signature elbow move would hardly be considered dancing at all.
Jane Kaiser
Maid of Honor
An avid collector of crystals and broken hearts, this self proclaimed Queen of Finstagram has been mentally preparing for her Maid of Honor duties since childhood. An Aries if there ever was one, Jane is finally on the path to righteousness after a particularly raucous Coachella experience left her with few alternatives... Her prominent role at the ceremony in Skaneateles will provide her with the perfect opportunity to bounce back from a slew of assault and battery charges that continue to haunt her.
Molly Kramer
Bridesmaid
Recently wed to a blue state political tyrant, Molly has been balancing marital bliss with real life House of Cards scenarios. Sure there are skeletons in the closet -- quite a few if I was forced (by VT secret service goons) to speculate -- but by denying the existence of the closet itself, this H Clinton aspirant has effectively adopted a new mantra when faced with such accusations: "I do not recall." A purveyor of alternative healing methodologies passed down from disgraced Aztec herbalists, Molly has had a great deal of trouble with insurance agencies in procuring coverage for the entirety of her 200 year life expectancy.
Alexis Thrower
Bridesmaid
The Gossip Girl show runners had to throw poor Dan Humphrey under the bus to maintain the anonymity of this pot stirring socialite. A frequent flyer at 1 Oak and Lavo, even Sam Bankman-Fried has seen better days than her septum. But no matter! Alexis will be coming into Skaneateles with a positive attitude and all 12 steps thoroughly skimmed over (by court order). If you want to catch up with her after the wedding, you'll most likely find her at the Met, screaming at Monet's.
Olivia Califano
Bridesmaid
When she isn't brainwashing interns at Bridgewater or blacking out at comedy clubs, this young professional prefers to keep things low key: shoplifting oversize graphic tees at Walmart, practicing sick kick flips, and Bird-boxing down double black diamonds. Personal heroes include Socrates, Shakira, Malala, and Alvin the Chipmunk. Ever meet someone who eats rainbow sprinkles as an entree? You will in Skaneateles, for her name is Olivia.
Kyle Kuhns
Bridesman
A deep hater of children and elders, this 40 under 40 bad boy has woven his web of influence up and down the west coast. No stranger to the drama of parenthood, Kyle and his son Silas drown out the haters through primal scream therapy and reckless spending. Guests are advised not to get on his bad side; you’ll be cancelled faster than you can say “XX Artists”.
Olivia Lurrie
Bridesmaid
Not your average sweetheart of the rodeo, this card carrying member of Bills mafia may be skipping the ceremony entirely to watch her boys clinch an AFC wildcard spot on January 13th. But in all likelihood a first round bye for the Bills will allow Olivia to channel that energy away from her fandom and towards a flurry of stomps and yodels on the dance floor. To this day she is the only country artist whose performances are known to feature assisted suicides, bookended by delightful Hank Williams covers.
Kenzie Morrison
Bridesmaid
A true woman of the outdoors, Kenzie is more or less the protagonist from Into the Wild, if he didn’t accidentally kill himself with that handful of rotten gooseberries. A devout Pagan and proud new mother, her daughter Roslyn is a product of the elements whose promising fate has been assured by the blood sacrifices of Alaskan bush people. But don't let the chill outdoorsy vibes fool you; one shot too many and Tequilla Kenz will bull rush you like a moose in heat.
Caroline Koppelman
Bridesmaid
This jet setting executive has been granted a well deserved parole exemption to attend Alice and Jake’s wedding at The Sinclair. Caroline loves to cook, but less for the food and more for the off chance that her hubby Spencer might lacerate his finger with an oyster knife. She is incredibly well traveled and some of her favorite spots include Wilguckee, Pangea, and Iraq.