The year was 2022.  Inflation was high.  Idiots ran the government (which is fairly normal).  I was in North Carolina serving God, country, or whatever reason you would attribute to government employment.  As per my personality I was not a fan of going out and much preferred a chill night in with the boys, however the 24th of September, my fate was to change permanently.  Planning on one of said “quiet nights in”, I was dragged out to a wannabe country watering hole known for its collection of trying too hard rednecks, a demographic of nerds with some impressively faded haircuts, and being the only place to 2-step within a several hour drive of the locale.  That night as I sat nursing a Coors Banquet and a bad attitude, I saw something, or more specifically someone, that would change my life forever.  A blue top, blonde hair, green eyes and an attitude that emanated throughout the room.  A beach girl in boots acting a fool with her friends.  Watching her walk off the dance floor (humming some Trace Adkins in my head for an unknown reason) I decided to see if I could get her back on it.  Walking up to the table where she stood with her friends, I made eye contact with her.  Maintaining said eye contact, I asked, “Do any of y’all want to dance?”.  Still staring at her.  Hopefully the message was received through the manners.  She broke eye contact, rolled her eyes, and snorted with an attitude that oozed superiority.  Her friend however surprised both of us by saying “She would love to!”  Looking at her friend with a look of blatant betrayal, the blonde, who introduced herself as Lori, accompanied me to the dance floor.  Looking like she would rather be anywhere else, she asked me my name.  Appreciating that her majesty would take pity on the peasant that I am, I introduced myself with a completely false name and throughout our conversation lied in great detail about how I was PA student doing a rotation at a local hospital.  As we danced, she proceeded to roast everything I did, and instructed me that when dancing I must, as the male lead, “use your words” (-Lori) to tell the follower (also Lori) what they were supposed to do and that it was futile to try and guide her with my steps, hands, and body positioning.  I believe the direct quote was to the tune of “If you want to keep dancing with me, you’re gonna have to use your words.”  After having danced anything from ballroom, east coast swing, and even two-step for much of my life, it was earth shattering to learn that every dance instructor I’d ever had lied to me. Long story short, she had quite the attitude, a healthy dose of pretty privilege, and an “I don’t care” set of vibes that had me more than a little interested.  Honestly?  I thought she was hilarious, beautiful, and clearly very strong willed.  After dancing awhile, we took a break and talked.  From that point forward it was a continuous and spontaneous night of dancing, talking, and me standing there awkwardly while she ignored me.  Once midnight hit, her and her friends decided they wanted to go to another local establishment, which my friends and I refer to regularly as “Nope, that place is garbage” (please note… there is a distinct lack of even semi decent establishments in the local area… as you can probably tell by now).  As a rule, I try not to attend the dumpster fire of a bar filled with depraved idiots dancing to the worst DJs to ever make a dollar in the profession.  I said as much to Lori, using the words “I’m not really a fan of that place.” And she responded with “Okay, bye.” And left. About three minutes had elapsed when she rolled back in and asked, “Do you have an Instagram?”  “No” I responded, bemused by her sudden reappearance.  Another long story short (I had to give myself a word limit… my wife says I have a condition called “Long winded”) she wouldn’t give me her number and so I redownloaded Instagram, becoming one of her thousands of followers.

From there we continued to talk.  Then went on a date where I was informed that other guys had paid for the babysitter to get a date with her.  I just didn’t know how lucky I was until she told me.  We talked, ate some Mexican food, got some surprise 5 star treatment, and had a really nice time.  Not long later we went dancing again and ended up spending the night sleeping in the front bench of my truck, her using my flannel as a blanket, me wondering who on earth this woman was being able to convince me to stay out until 3AM, and both of us freezing.  The next morning while saying goodbye, her nose was all rosy from being cold and so I leaned in and kissed it… she looked at me like I was suffering a mental malfunction… and got into her car.  I leaned in and gave her a quick peck on the lips… and she looked at me like I was growing a third eye on my forehead.  She then said goodbye and left.  I was convinced that I ruined it.  (To this day I have yet to hear the end of it, however, I would just like it noted… she is married to who now?  Secret seduction art worked wonderfully.  Take notes Barney Stinson.) From there we had a wild ride of a romance built on a foundation of sarcasm, comedy, sass, and fun.  To include but not limited to:  Showing up in boots to ruin her matching sweatsuit affair, being not friends, not having a pool to work on, happy thanksgiving, meeting the kiddos, the case of the missing candy corn, and so much more.  Within a disturbingly small amount of time from us meeting I knew I was in trouble.  I fell in love with the biggest pistol in North Carolina almost immediately after I met her.  The joy, kindness, vivaciousness, gentleness, randomness, passion, and more that are Lori all contributed to me making this green eyed girl the center of my universe.  As I stood in her kitchen slicing cheese into little bat shapes for the kids’ Halloween school lunches, I realised that I was home.  It only took her an additional 100-200 business days to come to a similar conclusion.  After a short time, “Ewi” became a fixture in the landscape of daily life, and from that first conversation about Elsa, Anna, Olaf (the movie Frozen) and that first bribe being a meal from Chick fila “those kids” became “my kids”.  Time flew by that led to me on one knee, which felt long overdue.  A couple weeks later we signed some paperwork at the courthouse with a tribe of 6 ankle biters running around yelling while the magistrate tried to say some words (all ankle biters egged on by a certain Serb) and apparently I got a wife.  As we walked out of the courthouse the sun was beginning its descend over the horizon, casting shadows behind us as we exited the place of our marriage.  Looking deep into my eyes Lori laughed nervously and said, “That was way too easy”.  Here we are. 5 months later.  Excited to celebrate with all of you. (READ: Those who love Lori and can tolerate me.)  Thank you to everybody who has been on this wild ride with us, and please keep us in your prayers.  We’re excited to see what God has for us down the road!